The Dreamcrushers! Sets Their Sights on Predator Press

My crushing of fantasy football hopes and dreams gets real this week, for rizzles even with the first matchup of the season: The Autodrafters, a.k.a. LOBO's Predator Press. 

Things are not looking good for LOBO, as we will see with the forthcoming scientific analysis...

Quarterbacks

Luck (Dreamcrushers!) vs Kaepernick (Predator Press)

Things would be a lot easier if Kaepernick would just drop that first e. He could put an end to the question he has been asked a million times: "Is it Ka-pernick or K-prnick?"

But Kaepernick didn't hear them because he has his Beats on. What did he do before Beats were invented? And before that you can tell everybody song was published?

So yeah, a push on this position.

Advantage: Even

Running Backs

Forte and Bush (Dreamcrushers!)  vs Le'Veon Bell and Toby Gerhart (Predator Press)

I had a parakeet named Toby when I was a child and it was not very intimidating. Couldn't even get it to say "pretty bird".

And Bell, well he's hanging out with Blount, who was part of the party clique in Tampa Bay a few years back. They even have a side bet during games: whoever has the least amount of all purpose yards pays for the weed. 

Advantage: The Dreamcrushers!

Wide Receivers/Flex

Julio Jones, K. Allen, M. Floyd (Dreamcatchers!) vs AJ Green, K. Britt, R. Wayne (Predator Press)
(Included the flex because both of us are starting WR in that slot.)

The present and the future against the present and 2012. Britt? Wayne? LOBO has turned his fantasy football roster into a time machine. And it isn't even a Delorean. Where his receivers are going might not need roads but they will need the luck of the fantasy gods.

Advantage: The Dreamcrushers!

Tight End

K. Rudolph (Dreamcrushers!) vs J. Graham (Predator Press)

Yeah, I got nothing.

Advantage: Clearly Predator Press

Kicker and Defense

Hahahahahaha....flip a coin.

So final tally is advantage me for RB and WR, Predator Press for TE, and a tie at QB. And you know what that means. 

Purple Drank becomes The Dreamcrushers!

What has two thumbs and is going to crush your fantasy football hopes and dreams?

Yup that guy, Chris Cameron and his Dreamcrushers! His team is so awesome the exclamation point is required. Scoring mayhem. Dogs and cats living together, mass hysteria.
 
And not only will he taunt you with his witty verbal daggers of insults all season long, but he will also be referring to himself in third person for the rest of this post, or until he tires of it.

Now behold the awesomeness that is The Dreamcrushers!

Starting at QB, the soon to be elite Andrew Luck. He is about seven touchdowns and 500 passing yds away from scoring in the top 4 at his position. And he runs for 400-500 yards and a few td's too. And he doesn't have stick legs like RG3. Or hell, even a stick body. The dude is big and he will make you cry like a hooker getting beat up by the Sham Wow guy when you lose to The Dreamcrushers!

At running back is Marvelous Matt Forte and all-purpose man Reggie Bush. Chris would prefer these two for ppr but magnificent will have to do for the standard scoring format. He can't be perfect after all. 99% crushing of dreams via the running back position will have to do.

For wide receivers, who this season have 10 yard restraining orders against any corners and safeties there is the dizzying duo of Julio Jones and Keenan Allen, along with magnanimous Michael Floyd in the flex spot. Chris asks Larry Fitz-who? But no one answers.

Because Michael Floyd is busy taking all of Fitz's yards and touchdowns.

The starting tight end, well that is like one of those things where Mom and Dad sit you down one day and talk about you being "their favorite mistake".  In other words Chris lost connection and the computer autodrafted Kyle Rudolph. Yes, he shits fantasy gold. 

Chris, not Rudolph. Rudolph shits garland, tinsel or whatever it is called.

And for kicker and defense. LOL. Next...

On the bench The Dreamcrushers! have lots of lottery tickets, and well Chris just told you he is shitting fantasy gold so if you wonder how the eff you just got beat when he had four starters on a bye, you should not be surprised why.

And if you want to concede defeat now, before the season starts he will consider the request and perhaps offer leniency during your demise. He might not run up the score. Or might. Ball is in your court.

When's The Draft?

Tuesday Morning QB: There's an app for that, loser!

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games. 

Well, this week again I'm not going to look back at what I could have done differently, because I still won...although this week by a mere 7 points and putting up a measly 88 points. So I don't FUCKING ROCK. I just rock, but still rock in first place nonetheless.

However, I am going to look back at what my opponent, Troi with his Future Ex-Cons, could have done differently.

One thing the California boi (see what I did there? clever, huh?) could have done differently: Put in a replacement running back for Alfred Morris who was on a bye.

Troi normally isn't an absentee owner, but this past week, I think he got distracted by being on vacation. See, I'm friends with him on Facebook and it looks like he and his wife went to Missouri to visit family.

What I also see is that he checks in an awfully lot on Foursquare. Dude is everywhere. He's eating (and drinking) at restaurants (and microbreweries), frolicking at parks and waiting at airports. What he's not doing is checking in on his fantasy football team...

...and it's so simple.

Because there's an app for that...

Yahoo! Fantasy Football '12 (pay attention to this link, my boi Troi) is available as an app both on Android and iPhone.

If only Troi had had the app on his phone and then used it...

...instead of losing 88-81, Troi could have won with any one of these three running backs who were available on the waiver wire: Danny Woodhead, Chris Ivory or Andre Brown. Personally, I would have gone with either Woodhead or Ivory, but any of the three would have given Troi the victory.

But nooooo, he left bye-week Morris in and got defeated by a weak 7 points.

Don't let something similar happen to you...whatever fantasy league in, I'm sure there is an app for your league. Get it and don't be a loser like Troi.

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Don't Believe The Hype

Welcome to Tuesday Morning Quarterback, where I take a look back at what I (and sometimes others) would have (could have/should have) done differently with my (their) fantasy football teams for that previous week's games.

The fantasy football pundits have been praising Miami Dolphins wide receiver Brian Hartline over the last few weeks and when Indianapolis Colt running back Donald Brown underwent knee surgery, the pundits hyped Vick Ballard who was scheduled to step into Brown's spot.

Two owners in the HBFFL can tell you that neither lived up to their hype this past weekend.

Joe O. relied on Hartline, who had 0 points. He didn't play either Green Bay's Jordy Nelson, with 37 points, or Philadelphia's Jeremy Maclin, with 26 points.

With Maclin alone, Joe's Bourbon Blasters would have at least come close 103-110 against Delusion of Adequacy. However, I would have chosen Nelson over Maclin this past weekend since Maclin hasn't been doing that great so far this season. That would have given Joe the win too.

Renal Failure, meanwhile, put Ballard, 3 fantasy points, in over either Fred Jackson, 13 points, or C.J. Spiller, 16 points, both from the Buffalo Bills. In RF's defense, if you were going to play Ballard, you might as well gamble now with neither Jackson or Spiller being particularly spectacular this year and playing against each other. However, I still probably would have flipped a coin and gone with either one of them over the unproven Ballard.

The Shame Report - Week 13

Click Me

*** BONUS ***

More N "iF" L

*** BONUS BONUS ***



Aaron Rodgers Vows To Make Season Interesting By Killing Self

The Shame Report - Week 12

Click Me

Tuesday Morning QB: Don't call it a comeback...

...because it wasn't. I led the entire way and despite my mistake of playing a sleeper (Isaac Redman for 5 fantasy points) in place of the tried and true (either Jahvid Best with 29 fantasy points or Willis McGahee, 19), I still pulled off the victory 101-92 over Renal Failure.

It might have been a TKO, but it still was a KO.

Not that RF didn't try to mount the comeback, which sounds sort of dirty if you think about it too much, you perverts. Coming into last night's Lions-Bears game, he only had 59 points, but thanks to a mega-26 points from Megatron, off five receptions for 130 yards, and seven from Robbie Gould, RF got close but it was no cigar.

 RF does own a copy of Joe Dirt on DVD. Sad but true.

Next week's opponent is LOBO with his Predator Press squad. I think he also owns a copy of Joe Dirt but on VHS.

Fantasy Football Gods Dont Like Canada

What the Canuck? won the best draft award...

...and soon thereafter defeat was snatched from the jaws of victory, courtesy of the HBFFL gods of fantasy football. Mere hours after Canuck had chosen Payton Manning in the second round, and Reggie Wayne in the fourth, and the draft was over the news broke that Mr. Endorsement won't be back anytime soon.

In 2008, What The Canuck? lost Tom Brady to a torn ACL/MCL in the first quarter of the first game of the season. It was a disturbance so great even Obi-Wan Kenobi felt it.

And our other Canadian owner, nonames was not spared either. Dallas Clark, his fifth-round pick now has Kerry Collins throwing him the rock. But if Collins gets a good speed going on his scooter he can hit Clark in stride. So there's that.

Maybe the HBFFL fantasy football gods have issues with the CFL and the 110-yard field. Or they don't like Doug and Bob McKenzie. Who knows.

But they sure do love laying the smackdown upon the Canadian owners.

And We Are Back For Another Season

Whew. There almost wasn't fantasy football this season.

Who cares about millionaires and billionaires fighting over money right? Just get on the damn field so we can win fictional championships.

And they finally did.

So here we are, the HBFFL ready to embark on its fourth season and provide our 20 readers with our epic and often gripping tales of the thrill of victory. And the agony of defeat.

Let's start things off with Remy's classic Fantasy Football Rap...

Tuesday Afternoon QB: Where I exact my revenge on La Machine and get ready to do the same on Renal Failure next week

As promised a little while ago, I would exact my revenge on Chris Cameron and his La Machine team and so I have as this past weekend, I defeated them 93-86. Admittedly, it wasn't as good as the 138-63 thrashing he put on me back in Week 5. But a win is still a win...and while I'll be playing in the first round of the playoffs next week, Chris will be watching from the sidelines.

Admittedly, though, the view from the sidelines anymore isn't that bad when you have female reporters like this:

or this:

*******

Chris and I both had five players in double figures, but the difference was this guy:

Nope, not as pretty as the view from the sidelines, but still a thing of beauty to behold when he's on his game as he was this past Sunday.

Branch amassed 26 fantasy points as he had eight receptions for a career-high 151 yards, including a 59-yard strike at the end of the first half in a 36-7 dismantling of the Bears.

Chris had no players who hit the 20-point mark, although LeSean "Shady" McCoy came close with 19 points as he had 149 yards on 16 carries, but no touchdowns thankfully.

******

In the first round of the playoffs, in both this league and another league, the FTWL started by LOBO of Predator Press, I face the same opponent: Renal Failure. Like Chris, RF already has beaten me once in week 9 but by a much closer margin of 132-112. So once again, I will be out to exact my revenge.

Vengeance will be sweet like this:

Next week the back of the shirt will read "Unfinished Fucking Ramblers"!

Tuesday Afternoon QB: Bill Fucking Belichick

Earlier this year, I called out Houston Texans head coach Gary Kubiak when he benched Arian Foster for the first half of a game, depriving me of points I could have had and making my life a living hell. Now I have to call out Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, once again for depriving me of points I could have had...well, in a way, at least the way I see it...and making my life a living hell once again.

photo courtesy of Keith Allison on Flickr

Yeah, Bill Fucking Belichick.

Because I never know whom he's going to use from week to week on offense, I benched three of his players, wide receiver Deion Branch, running back BenJarvus Green-Ellis (aka "The Law Firm") and tight end Aaron Hernandez in favor of Rams wide receiver Danario Alexander, Chiefs running back Thomas Jones and Jets tight end Dustin Keller. Collectively, Belichick's three players outscored my team by three times as many points, 42-14. If I had played Belichick's trio, I would have won 122-115 over Bald Spots. As it was, I lost 115-101.

As usual, though, I would like to thank Green Bay quarterback Aaron Rodgers (35 points) and Houston running back Arian Foster (22) for showing up to make the score look a little more respectable than it could have been. Thank you, gentlemen, I appreciate your support. Keep up the good work.

Surprisingly, even with the loss, no thanks to Bill Fucking Belichick, I did clinch a playoff spot this week and while next week's game against HBFFL founder Chris Cameron doesn't mean anything, that still doesn't mean I still don't want to kick his ass. After all, dude did write about a big play a couple of weeks ago that my team made when I should have been the one to write about it. As I said then, I will exact my revenge...

Cameron, I'm coming to get you!

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I celebrate a Pyrhhic victory

This past weekend I defeated Don's Eunuchs 110-72, but it was a Pyrrhic victory in a way as the more important news for my team for the weekend was the loss of the second part of my one-two punch at running back:

Photo courtesy of xoque on Flickr
No. 21 won't be celebrating any more TDs this season with a hip bump.

While I shouldn't speak too quickly --but I will, because that's the way I roll-- at least, for now, I have the one part of that punch at running back:



and half a punch in this RB:



Are you scared, Bald Spots?

I know I am.

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I prefer a moving target

It's hard to write about a game where your opponent doesn't show up as this past weekend I won 119-53 over Static's Team Krapsody who had three players who didn't show up (two were out of the game and one just wasn't "in the game"). It doesn't make a great target.

photo by cliff1066™ on Flickr

Personally, I like a moving target.



Or then again (shuddering at Milli Vanilli's cousin here) maybe not.

Unfortunately, next week I don't get a moving target either as The Ramblers face The Eunuchs, who still have Tony Romo at QB. The last two weeks of the regular season, though, I face Bald Spots and La Machine. At least, they ought to make it interesting.

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I can't shake the Texas monkey for trying

Two weeks ago, I had the Glen Campbell song "Galveston" stuck in my head. Then last week my Yankees lost to the Texas Rangers in the American League Championship Series. Sunday like much of the country, I was caught up with the news of tornadoes tearing through East Texas.

So it seems only apropos that this week's fantasy football game between my Ramblers and Joe's Bourbon Blasters, who is from where else but Texas, would be settled in Texas.

Entering Monday night's game, the Ramblers led the Bourbon Blasters, 98-90 with each of us having a Cowboy on our roster: Joe, Miles Austin; I, Felix Jones. In the end, to paraphrase the Linkin Park song of the same name, it didn't really matter as neither player was able to make a significant impact one way or the other on our game or the game thanks to Tony Romo leaving the game with a broken left collarbone. Austin scored three fantasy points; Jones, five and I won 103-93 as the Cowboys lost 41-35.

In the end, what mattered was that I finally was able to get this Texas monkey off my back, and next week should be a Texas free week...

...or will it be? Wait a minute, I have this guy from the Houston Texans coming back from his bye week:


Damn you, Arian Foster. Damn you.

Well, seeing as I have Foster on not only my team here, but also on my team in the other league in which I participate, and I have no plans on getting rid of him in either place, I better just embrace the Texas monkey. Take it away, Ronnie...

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I post on a Monday thanks to Canada

Mainly, blame Canucklehead.

Due to his team being unable to put up a fight this weekend, I am able to post this edition of Tuesday Morning QB a day early. I lead 107-59 as of this morning and all he has left is a kicker, Rob Bironas of the Tennessee Titans, to play, so I'm pretty safe in assuming I have this one in the bag.

But also give credit to the key players on my team for showing up: Aaron Rodgers, 33 fantasy points; Arian Foster, 21; Frank Gore, 19; and Minnesota defense, 10.

And my bench players, especially Thomas Jones who robbed some of the glory of Canuckehead's running back, Jamaal Charles. Jones ended up with 22 fantasy points; Charles, a mere 11.

So really what I'm saying is give credit to me and me. I chose to play the players I did, including those on the bench, and I still won.

I think, though, in the end, why I won is my groovy Yahoo avatar


hypnotized Canucklehead's bland Yahoo avatar


into keeping Green Bay Packers tight end Jermichael Finley in the lineup even though he was injured.

Next up: Joe's Bourbon Blasters, who will be playing without Dallas Clark!

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I coulda been a contender

I coulda been a contender.

It's true. I coulda been another Billy Conn.

However, Chris Cameron decided it wasn't my night and all I got was a one-way ticket to Palooka-ville.

To wit, according to Yahoo projections, I was supposed to win 109-86 over Chris's La Machine, on the backs of Aaron Rodgers, Arian Foster and Frank Gore, but then Chris along with Ray Rice, Cedric Benson, Terrell Owens and Roddy White said, "This ain't your weekend."

Mainly, it was Arian Foster who took the dive, amassing only 2 fantasy points when he was supposed to have had 24. The only card I could have dealt differently was Santana Moss, who had 16 fantasy points, but even then I would have lost to Rice's 32, Benson's 22 and Owens and White's 21 apiece.

I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it. It was you, Chris...

...and those four goons you had.

La Machine and The Ramblers meet again Week 14 where already The Ramblers are projected to take a 111-79 win.

While I take nothing for granted, next time we'll come out swinging.


Yeah, it will be like that.

Tuesday Morning QB: Where the North wins again

Last week I didn't play the race card after losing 102-90 to Static's Team Krapsody even though he is black or at least his avatar is, but the previous week I did play the misogynist card after winning 72-51 over Bex's Butterflies since Bex ostensibly is a woman or at least plays one online.

So by virtue of that logic, that means this week I can play the North vs. South card after winning 117-102 over Red Raider's Eunuchs since Red Raider claims to be from Mississippi, and so I will.


To wit:

• Exhibit A: Five of my eight players, including my defense, this week were from teams from the North, meanwhile, only four of Red Raider's eight players, were from the South, meaning he was split half and half between North and South.
  
• Exhibit B: Ten of the 16 players on his roster are from teams from the North. Twelve of the 16 players on my roster, meanwhile, are from teams from the South, and I'm thinking of kicking two of those no good Johnny Rebs back to the swamp.

Bottom line: I didn't, and obviously don't, doubt my northern roots whereas he did, and obviously does, doubt his southern roots.


Maybe in the future, Red Raider will learn to keep his head...



For next week's Tuesday Morning QB, I'll go back to being politically correct and not mock anyone based on ethnicity, gender or region as I face Bald Spots. I'm pretty confident I'll still be able to mock, though, as his stud running back, Adrian Peterson, will be on the bench. I just haven't picked the angle from which I'm going to mock yet.

Braylon Edwards Arrested: Unfinished Rambler Validated In Not Accepting Trade

Braylon Edwards
Photo courtesy of Benjamin Chodroff on Flickr

This post earlier this afternoon from Lobo reminded me of how I could have almost got played last week.

After I picked up Brandon Jackson, I received a couple of trade offers from the Ryan Grant owner, Renal Failure. The first was for that playa pictured above and mentioned in Lobo's post.

I'm not sure what my exact thoughts were in rejecting the trade, but I think it was something along these lines:

Get that shit out of here. Are you kidding me?

Now with Edwards' arrest and what should be a suspension, I am validated in my initial decision.

Now I just have to hope that one of the playas on the defense RF tried to trade me (a defense for Jackson? why didn't you just try to trade me a tight end? I mean, come on) can get arrested so I can feel doubly validated.

Photo courtesy of Keith Allison on Flickr

I know. Good luck with that, huh?

Tuesday Morning QB: Where I didn't get to play the race card against Static's Team Krapsody since I lost

After attacking the gender of my opponent, Bex, in last week's Tuesday Morning QB post, I said I wouldn't go after the ethnicity of this week's opponent, Static, in today's Tuesday Morning QB post. That doesn't mean that before the outcome, I didn't think long and hard about playing the race card in this week's post, because I did. How could I not think about playing the race card when my opponent's avatar is this:

The possibilities were endless.

However, after comparing our rosters, I counted six individual white players on his team to four individual white players on my team, so I quickly dropped that idea. And when it came down to whom we each played, we actually were even steven in the race department: two white guys in Aaron Rodgers and Brent Celek for me to two white guys in Joe Flacco and Garrett Hartley for Static.

So so much for playing the race card...

...plus it would have worked only if I had won, which by virtue of losing 102-90, I didn't...well...win. There's no fun in making fun of a black guy who wins, unless you're a member of the Tea Party.

In the end, the game between Static and me came down to a pure numbers game.

Even if I had played Austin Collie instead of Steve Breaston and Arian Foster instead of Brandon Jackson, I only would have gained 10 points and still lost.

Hey, I'm just calling a spade a spade. You know what I'm saying?

It would seem like each week's of Tuesday Morning QB just gets riper and riper for the comic possibilities. First, I faced Bex's Battling Butterflies, a too-cute name for a team and a woman team owner to boot, then this week Static's Team Krapsody, which seemed too good a name to be true in terms of mockery and a black team owner to boot. Unfortunately, not everything as it seems. Next week I face Red Raider's Eunuchs. However, it might be more difficult than it seems since I'm not sure how to kick an opponent in the balls when he doesn't have any. I might just have to kick his ass.