by 2010 Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League Champion Renal Failure
What's it like to play against Renal Failure? It hurts...
Your People's Champion Renal Failure finds themselves in an unfamiliar position to start the 2011 HBFFL season: being the defending HBFFL champion. Usually we begin the season ready to avenge our not winning it all the previous year, but this year we don't have to because we did win it all (in two leagues, and against LOBO in the championship games no less).
So what does a franchise based on spite and vengeance do when there's nothing to avenge? We crank up the paranoia and say everyone is against, and this time we're actually right because when you're the defending champ, everyone's looking to knock you off of your pedestal. Everyone wants to make a name for themselves at your expense.
Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy say "Strike us if you dare, we will destroy you." Not sure what that means fantasy football-wise, but it probably means you should start Charley Whitehurst at QB...
Also, Renal Failure wants to be the first team to break the curse of the previous year's champion not making the playoffs. And once we've avoided that fate, then we can worry about being the first repeat champion of the HBFFL because we know all too well how long and treacherous a fantasy football season can be.
And now with the new scoring changes to the HBFFL, new strategies will need to be employed. No longer will QB's throw up ridiculous numbers, as the league has seen fit to curtail the bear-in-orbit potential of quarterbacks by lowering their passing TD scores to 4, unless the TD in questions is 40+ yards, then it gets a bonus 2 points to go back up to 6. Also this season, interceptions will cost QB's 2 points, as will fumbles lost by any offensive player. This can only mean that there will be lesser bears thrown into outer space this year.
The scoring may have changed, but our devotion to Our Lady of Tight Denim Ines Sainz has not wavered one bit...
We won't have a draft preview because this season the HBFFL is doing a Live Draft rather than the auto-pick we've done in previous years. Usually we would do a bunch of mock drafts and fine-tune how we set up our lists, but now all that goes out the window. No more being forced to take a kicker in the 8th round. Now we build our rosters according to the pattern in our own heads. We can only hope that we don't outsmart ourselves on draft day. And it's too bad we can't trade draft picks during the draft because I think I could trick UnfinishedRambler into another disastrous deal. Well, if we don't fleece him in a trade later the season, someone else invariably will.
So stand tall and applaud your champion Renal Failure, for we defend our title not just for our glory but for the glory of The People. We may be known by many names, (The Wild Card, the Great One, the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler, The Duke of New York) but we will always be The People's Champion. And if we have a say in the matter, we will be your 2011 HBFFL champion again.
Renal Failure is one of five remaining original members of the HBFFL, and might be its most-hated owner.
The thrill of victory... and not paying child support...
The People's wait is finally over. Their champion, Renal Failure, has emerged from Humor Bowl III victorious, etching their name forever in the annals of fantasy football history with a 91-72 win over Predator Press to be crowned your 2010 HBFFL Fantasy Football Champion.
And, for good measure, Renal Failure also won the championship of LOBO's own FTWL league with a more authoritative 109-82 win, making Renal Failure a Double Champion. (and funny enough, Rambler finished third in both the HBFFL and FTWL. Symmetry abound!)
The championship was won by the passing game for the People's Champ. Tom Brady had a respectable 26-point day vs. the Bills. TE Jason Witten put up a nice 10 points vs. Arizona (though his counterpart on the bench Brandon Pettigrew had 13 points). Brandon Lloyd got back to doing what he had been doing for most of the season, and that's rack up 100-yard games, earning a fat 16 points vs. the Texans. But the MVP of Humor Bowl III was Dwayne Bowe, coming on strong when we needed him most with a sick 26 points against the Titans. Everyone else, however, failed to live up to the People's expectations. Number One Pick Chris Johnson: 5 points. Peyton Hillis: 3 points. Matt Bryant: 2 points. Tampa Bay Defense: 3 points. Those aren't championship numbers, guys. You're lucky LOBO had even bigger problems with his team.
But we had to wait until Tuesday night's Eagles/Vikings game to find out who would be 2010 HBFFL champion. The People feared that LOBO's Michael Vick would throw a bear into orbit, erasing the 50-point lead Renal Failure had built up over the weekend and Monday night and creating a Humor Bowl Miracle much like the Miracle at the Meadowlands 2. But alas, Michael Vick had no more miracles left, which proves that Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory Ines Sainz (pictured above) is the supreme deity of Fantasy Football. Take that, Jesus! In your face, Mohammed! Suck it, Zoroaster!
Other teams are world champions, but only Renal Failure is a "WORLD FUCKING CHAMPION."
We have to take a look at our opponent, the good twin in this Fantasy Football dichotomy. LOBO's season was almost a mirror of ours:
Both teams had decent drafts (RF with the Number One pick getting Chris Johnson, then Tom Brady in Round Two, and Dwayne Bowe in Round Five; LOBO snagged in his first three picks Maurice Jones-Drew, Stephen Jackson, and Vernon Davis who along with Malcolm Floyd were the only players to remain on the PredPress roster the entire season).
Both PredPress and R. Failure pulled off big trades to solidify their lineups (LOBO got Vick and Brandon Jackson off Rambler for Dustin Keller and BenJarvus-Green Ellis. LOBO then released BJax, who Renal Failure picked up and used to beat Rambler in Week Nine. (Note: We now open the floor to debate whether that trade was worse than Rambler's trade with R. Failure last season regarding Stephen Jackson and Chad Ochocinco for Steve Slaton and Jerricho Cotchery).
Both teams worked the waiver wire to gain the edge over their opponents (RF snatching up the Number One Scoring WR in the HBFFL Brandon Lloyd and LOBO making enough moves to swap his whole roster six times over). Both teams finished 8-6, after winning their final game of the season.
And most of all, both teams are the two of the elite smack-talkers in the HBFFL.
Clearly to everyone in retrospect, these two teams were destined face each other in the Championship Game. The question now was which team would come out on top. Would Renal Failure's experience last year carry the People's Champ this year? Who on the Renal Roster was going to throw a bear into orbit? Chris Johnson? Tom Brady? Matt Bryant? Could LOBO ride Michael Vick to the biggest win in Predator Press history? Would SJax and MJD step their game up to win against the team that rode them to the finals last year? Would LOBO's receivers rise to the challenge? Who, by Odin's beard and Ines Sainz's tight denim ass, would be Humor Bowl III Champion?
Well, LOBO found out that bad things often happen to good teams when it comes time for the final championship game. LOBO lost Maurice Jones-Drew to injury and opted to go with Santana Moss instead of Lagarrette Blount (who we had kind words for last week in our preview post). Moss had a respectable 8 points, outscoring both PredPress WR's Vincent Jackson (5pts) and Larry Fitzgerald (2pts), but Blount had a big 21-point day. The extra 13 points wouldn't have beaten Renal Failure, but it would have made that Eagles game even more uncomfortable to watch (it already was since we at the Failure are Eagles fans, way to fall apart, guys).
Also LOBO switched out the Jacksonville Defense for the Dallas Defense, as if LOBO was doing the opposite of what we predicted he'd do in our preview post. Well, the Cowboys had a miserable one point while Jacksonville had three. We would declare that our Jedi Mind Trick powers of fooling other teams to bench productive players had finally delivered us a victory, but we didn't say anything about Santonio Holmes and his 12-points, which when combined with Lagarette Blount's day would have defeated the People's Champ and given him a Humor Bowl ring.
And so Renal Failure has continued the trend of the loser of the previous year's championship game winning it all the following year. This also means, like those previous winners Chris and Joe, that R. Failure will miss the playoffs in 2011. And it also means that LOBO will win Humor Bowl IV next season (we're also predicting The Ramblers will lose that game and then win it all in 2012). But everyone can worry about all that mayhem when the NFL preseason rolls around. Right now, it's celebration time for Renal Failure and The People. Celebration time that we have damn well earned considering how awful our season started, and how gloriously we turned it around to win not one but TWO fantasy football titles.
The reign of Chris and his Daleks, Death Star, and his Bearataur is over. Long live Renal Failure, your new champion.
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure did lose in the championship game of the 7-team league he was in, but that league wasn't nearly as cool or prestigious as this one.
by 2010 Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League Champion Renal Failure 
