Oh, and LOBO's still the only one to lose to Bex this season

by Renal Failure


We win! We win! Computer duster whippets for everyone!

Renal Failure avoids falling into a tie for last place by defeating the last place team, Bex's Battling Butterflies, 90-70. And despite the meager numbers put up by Tom Brady (18pts) and the horrid day by Hines Ward (1pt), your People's Champion is walking on sunshine.

Brandon Lloyd threw a bear into space with a 27pt day vs. the Niners, Jason Witten is turning his season around now that Tony Romo is out of the lineup by netting his second double-digit point day in a row (15pts), and Chris Johnson put up a respectable 13pts for the People to make up for not doing jack last week for us. Dwayne Bowe salvaged a light receiving day with a TD to get 7pts for the People.


Brandon Lloyd asks an uncaring God why his Denver Broncos are 2-6, and why Renal Failure is 3-5. But God does not answer his pleas, because God is too busy watching Japanese porn.

Bex's lineup put up surprising numbers with their non-featured running back corps of Mike Tolbert (14pts) and Michael Bush (16pts). Greg Jennings got 8pts vs. a tough Jets defense. Carson Palmer put 20pts vs. the Dolphins, though most of those points came in the first half. Bex also forgot to put in the Tennessee Defense instead of the bye week Philadelphia Eagles, but they only scored 7pts so their contribution wouldn't have mattered, nor would starting Vince Young (24pts) instead of Carson Palmer.

But we weren't the only team who got away with an absentee owner syndrome win. Joe and the Bourbon Blasters got a boost from Team Krapsody forgetting to field a quarterback and a flex player. Danny Woodhead and his 11 points sat on Static's bench. If Static had picked up Matt Stafford, who put up 40 vs. Washington, to replace bye week Joe Flacco and Kevin Kolb, victory would have been his.


Sorry, but he's in the employ of Renal Failure now...

More egregious was What the Canuck? getting a free ride vs. Don's Eunuchs. Don didn't swap out the injured Tony Romo, nor did he replace bye week-having Hakeem Nicks and Michael Turner either. Worse was that pretty much everyone on Don's bench was on a bye week, so the only possible way for Don to have had a chance in this game was a complete free-agent revamp of his lineup, which would have required him to actually sign into Yahoo! and tinker with his roster.

Anyway... Bex will not get another shot at the People's Champion in 2010, as this was the two teams' sole game vs. each other. But both teams could go undefeated for the rest of the season and make it to the playoffs, perhaps to meet each other again either in the semi-finals or the finals. We've seen stranger things...


What has been seen cannot be unseen... even if you don't understand it. And there isn't enough context in the world to make any sense of this.

Also, the People would like to announce a trade that was finalized after Sunday's games. Renal Failure sends QB Eli Manning and TE Marcedes Lewis to La Machine for RB Peyton Hillis and TE Brandon Pettigrew. This move gives La Machine some insurance at QB now that Alex Smith is out of action with an injury and The People's Champion gets the highly productive Hillis (104 fantasy points for a horrid Cleveland Browns team) who has been wallowing (undeservedly) on Chris's bench behind LeSean McCoy, Cedric Benson, Ray Rice, and Marshawn Lynch. The People hope this returns the vaunted 1-2 RB punch that has defined past Renal Failure teams but has been absent this season due to losing Ryan Grant in Week One.

Week 9 sees Renal Failure take on The Ramblers who are in a three-way jam for first place with the Bald Spots and Bourbon Blasters. We'll have our preview later in the week on how the People will screw things up for the Ramblers' ambitions to sit atop the HBFFL standings.


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Renal Failure is glad they actually got to trade Eli Manning this season, after no one would take him off our hands in '09.

Week 8: Renal Failure vs. Battling Butterflies

by Renal Failure


I don't care if you don't have anything below the belt, Bex, I'm punching there anyway. All's fair in love, war, and the race for the playoffs.

This is it. The game that determines the People's season. The game that either keeps our playoff hopes alive or murders them in their crib. The game that could give you an ice cream sundae or colon cancer. All right, so that last one was a lie, but it's hard to hype up a game between the 9th and 10th place teams in the HBFFL, which is what Renal Failure (2-5) and the Battling Butterflies (1-6) are.

Sitting at the halfway point of the 2010 season, the People's Champion Renal Failure is battered, bruised, and bedeviled. Our running back depth that was supposed to be our strength is gone, with only Chris Johnson remaining from our corps of Ryan Grant, Pierre Thomas, and Clinton Portis. Tom Brady, the man who invented throwing bears into outer space, has not dominated like we had hoped. We also haven't dominated in the Kicker and Defense/Special Teams categories as we have in previous years, which is how we became known as The Wild Card (bitches!). And only in recent weeks has our wide receivers actually started manufacturing at a decent clip. Last year, we set a new record for points scored in a season; this year we are 9th (only Bex is worse). Even worse, we've had the third-most points scored on us (Bex is 2nd, LOBO is 1st). It's going to take some sort of divine intervention to turn the Renal Failure season around.


"Inez Sainz... I have never prayed to you. I may have done other things to you, though..."

And so what better way to begin the miraculous process of salvaging our season than by beating up on the last place team in the league. As seen above, Bex's Battling Butterflies have had worse season than us, and Week 8 doesn't look like it's going to be the week where things get better for her either.

Bex is rolling with Carson Palmer, who is playing a Miami team looking to bounce back from Ben "Lifetime Movie of the Week Villain" Roethlisberger lighting them up in Week 7. Her running backs are not the featured RB's on their teams anymore. Mike Tolbert may get a goal line run for a TD, but that will be the extent of his day. And even if she puts in Ryan Mathews he's not going to have a fun time against the stingy Tennessee defense either. Oakland's Michael Bush is only going to get carries when Darren McFadden needs a breather. Greg Jennings is going to get stuck on Revis island in his game vs. the Jets, not that she can swap him out because the rest of her receivers are on bye weeks. The bulk of her points look to come from Steelers WR Mike Wallace, TE Chris Cooley, and the Tennessee Defense if she remembers to put them in.


I don't think this is the Mike Wallace is who projected to have 7 points against the Saints this week, but he and 60 Minutes will be on immediately following the late game on CBS, except on the west coast.

But your People's Champion has a lot of great match-ups this week. Tom Brady's throwing against a rudderless Minnesota squad. Chris Johnson never gets stuffed for small numbers in consecutive weeks. Hines Ward has been on fire since Ben "Lifetime Movie of the Week Villain" Roethlisberger has returned, and the Steelers will be in a shootout with the Saints this week. Brandon Lloyd and the Broncos are playing the 1-6 49ers. And we'll see if Dwayne Bowe can make it three straight weeks of 20+ points, a likely scenario considering he'll be playing the Buffalo Bills.

As of Friday morning, Yahoo! has Renal Failure winning 85-66 vs. Bex (85-74 if she remembers to put in the Tennessee defense). That looks about right to us. It'll be a fine day for the People's Champion to start rattling off wins for a playoff push, and to cement Bex in as the last place team in the HBFFL, like the Fantasy Football version of The Cask of Amontillado.


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Renal Failure would rather hear Inez Sainz do play-by-play than Joe Buck.

Apparently Dwayne Bowe can only score points when you bench him

by Renal Failure


You can't beat us, because we're going to beat ourselves. Chew on that while we bleed on your rug, honkey-ass cracker.

The People's Champion paid for their boldness this week, losing 78-73 to the Bourbon Blasters. Chris Johnson tried to make a game of it, but our decision to play Danny Amendola (1pt) instead of Dwayne Bowe (27pts) cost us Week Six, no question about it. Even Brandon Jackson's 7-point day would have given us the victory. But then, we wouldn't be bold, and no one can take our boldness from us. Not Joe. Not Chris. Not Rambler. And certainly not LOBO who lost to Bex this week, ruining Bex's quest for the first winless season in HBFFL history and bringing much shame to LOBO's family name.

Also, LaDainian Tomlinson and Michael Crabtree getting their 2nd half scores for the Blasters didn't help our cause either. But Miles Austin pulling a Danny Amendola kept things close while Lance Moore's 11pts and the Giants Steve Smith's 7pts languished on the bench. But Joe wasn't being bold with those lineup decisions, so he should feel shame (especially since we probably talked him out of starting Steve Smith with last week's preview). And we sort of exorcised the ghost of Dallas-fucking-Clark as the TE we used to call "money" had a middling 5-point day while Chris Johnson scored 22.

And we need to point out that Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy were very wrong in their declaration that Drew Brees scoring under his projected 25 points. 31 is more than 25, ladies!


Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy would like to point out that their expertise is not in football but in decapitating people and showing fools what their intestines look like.

What did go right this week? Chris Johnson getting some last second stat-padding numbers at the end of the Tennessee-Jacksonville Monday night snoozefest felt pretty right to us. Brandon Lloyd got his projected point total against a tough Jets D. Tom Brady got his projected total too, but we expect more from the man who invented throwing bears into outer space. Hines Ward came back with a nice 11pt day thanks to Ben Roethlisberger's return after sitting out four games because he doesn't understand what consent means. So things might actually be looking up for your People's Champion... 'cause they can't get any much worse. Unless we lose to Bex. Like LOBO did. By 26.

So the People's Champion limps into Week 7 with a unpleasant 2-4 record, the same record as our opponent that week LOBO's Predator Press (did we mention he lost to Bex?). We'll have a preview of this epic battle for sole possession of 7th place (especially if Don's Eunuchs keep faltering) later in the week. Until then, stay bold.


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Renal Failure can't lose to Bex until they play in Week 8.

Elephants have BIG trunks (and other things I learned in Kindergarten)

I am a pretty big deal. I didn’t know if you knew that or not. I am Bex and (once in a blue moon) I write the Blog of Bex. But that’s not why I’m a big deal. No, I’m a big deal because I have boobs. Boobs are awesome. Ask anybody. Another person with boobs is Ines Sainz. Do y’all know her? She’s a television reporter with TV Azteca. She’s been in the news lately because of some shenanigans that went on during and after the Monday night NFL game.

I read in the news that she was embarrassed. When I first heard this I wondered if maybe she wasn’t embarrassed by the ridiculous programming on TV Azteca. I mean seriously…have you ever seen one of their insane talk shows? Schmaltzy host? Check! Mostly naked ladies jiggling around the set to sudden bursts of funky music? Check!! Designated buffoon who overacts every scene as if his very life depends upon it? Oh yeah, they’ve got that, too. And don’t even get me started about the soap operas.

But no, she’s embarrassed because she went purposefully into a professional football teams’ locker room and, apparently, got an eyeful. Wha…?!! For chrissakes. What kind of moron goes into a locker room and then “dies of embarrassment” when she sees what she sees?!

Let’s roll down the facts, shall we??

• The Jets are a football team.
• The team is made up of male players.
• Men have penises.
• Judging by the tightness of their pants, some of them are probably quite large.

She should probably write them a thank you note.

But, in this crazy era when some douche bag pours a cup of hot coffee into her own lap and is successful in suing the company that sold her that cruel java weapon, the Jets are probably fuqued. I love how she stated that she tried not to look anywhere. As my homie Yoda once said, “Do or do not. There is no try.” But Sister, for real. It is in poor taste to take a gander at some dudes wedding tackle and then later complain that you were embarrassed by what you looked at.

PS Unlike you guys, I had no idea who she is. So I googled her. Now I know what I'm going to wear the next time I want to really be taken seriously at work: