Week 11: Close shaves and sweet victories

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





It takes a team effort to win in this league... and nice legs...

Out of the HBFFL members who have been with the league since its inception, the one with the best record against Renal Failure is Joe O. who has gone 4-1 against your People's Champion going back to when he was masquerading as his wife.

Make that 4-2 as Renal Failure scored a critical 97-93 victory in Week 11 over Joe's Bourbon Blasters. CJ2K woke up from his season-long slumber for a 28-point day. Tony Romo got most of his 27 points in the first half vs. Buffalo, unfortunately not throwing much to Jason Witten (3pts). And Brandon Lloyd put up 10 points, continuing his steady scoring ways since going to the Rams.

Note: Marshawn Lynch put up a huge 26 points on our bench. Is Beast Mode getting activated just before the trade deadline? Who wants to make us a deal for a hot RB?


You gotta be hungry to win in this league... and a nice rack don't hurt either...

But Week 11 had disappointing performances all over the damn place. LeSean McCoy's 15 points was way under his projected 26 (and we blame Andy Reid for abandoning the run for that). The Jets D took the night off, as did Billy Fucking Cundiff. Even Megatron disappointed us with a 7-point night, although he did outscore both of Joe's receivers combined (Dwayne Bowe and Wes Welker, 5 total points between them, total disappointments there).

Joe's team had some good performances, just not enough of them to pull out the victory. Joe listened to our advice from last week and pulled Beanie Wells for Reggie Bush. Bush responded with 15 points to Wells' 6. But Joe didn't listen to our notion that Stephen Jackson would have a hard game against the Browns, keeping SJax in the lineup and watching him rumble for a big 18 point day. And Drew Brees did indeed score more points than Shady McCoy, the complete opposite of what we hypothesized in last week's column, putting up 29. Even Joe's kicker Jon Kasay had a big 15-point day, aided by the Saints and Falcons going into overtime. It just wasn't enough for the Blasters to overcome Renal Failure's balanced attack, or our tendency of getting 90 percent of our prognostications wrong.


We wish our mistakes could look this cool...

Week 11 brings a return encounter with Multiple Scorgasms, who recorded their first win of the year over What the Canuck? to get to 1-9 (and ensure that they can only tie the worst record in HBFFL history, held by Bex's Battling Butterflies in 2010). Now that Mark's team finally has a taste of victory, it's all they crave. Unfortunately Multiple Scorgasms doesn't seem to have enough firepower to make it two-in-a-row at Renal Failure's expense. Phillip Rivers is playing a tough Chicago defense. Rashard Mendenhall is on a bye week, so is Ben Tate, meaning Mark needs to hit the waiver wire or make a quick trade for RB for this week's game because he's got no one else on his barren bench. No one else strikes us as particularly dangerous. Maybe Santonio Holmes cranks it up vs. the Broncos, or perhaps Victor Cruz gets the lion's share of targets vs. the Eagles instead of the other Giants receivers, but Aaron Hernandez is getting pushed aside for Rob Gronkowski and the Eagles D doesn't scare anyone.

As of this posting. Renal Failure is projected to win 87-59 but we expect the People's Champ to score more than that. Tony Romo and Jason Witten have favorable matchups against the Redskins. Megatron will be pulling down balls all day against the Panthers. Shady McCoy will bring it against the Giants. CJ2K wants to show everyone last week was no fluke. Brandon Lloyd is finding his old productive form again. Plus, as always, Billy Fucking Cundiff.

A seventh win will put the People in a great position as the playoff race congeals for the final weeks of the regular season. Predator Press (8-2) and Purple Drank (7-3) have prime seating for this stretch run. What the Canuck? and Unfinished Person (4-6) are fading from contention with their two-game losing streaks. This leaves NoNames, Bourbon Blasters, and Renal Failure at 6-4 as the main combatants for those final two playoff spots. It's a good thing Renal Failure is a second-half team because we're going to need every last victory to defeat the trend of HBFFL champions failing to make the playoffs the following year.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We always schedule our team meetings for 4 in the afternoon so we never oversleep. Also, our team meetings are at a bar, so it's happy hour too. Half-off draft beers and 5-dollar margaritas...

Apparently Dwayne Bowe can only score points when you bench him

by Renal Failure


You can't beat us, because we're going to beat ourselves. Chew on that while we bleed on your rug, honkey-ass cracker.

The People's Champion paid for their boldness this week, losing 78-73 to the Bourbon Blasters. Chris Johnson tried to make a game of it, but our decision to play Danny Amendola (1pt) instead of Dwayne Bowe (27pts) cost us Week Six, no question about it. Even Brandon Jackson's 7-point day would have given us the victory. But then, we wouldn't be bold, and no one can take our boldness from us. Not Joe. Not Chris. Not Rambler. And certainly not LOBO who lost to Bex this week, ruining Bex's quest for the first winless season in HBFFL history and bringing much shame to LOBO's family name.

Also, LaDainian Tomlinson and Michael Crabtree getting their 2nd half scores for the Blasters didn't help our cause either. But Miles Austin pulling a Danny Amendola kept things close while Lance Moore's 11pts and the Giants Steve Smith's 7pts languished on the bench. But Joe wasn't being bold with those lineup decisions, so he should feel shame (especially since we probably talked him out of starting Steve Smith with last week's preview). And we sort of exorcised the ghost of Dallas-fucking-Clark as the TE we used to call "money" had a middling 5-point day while Chris Johnson scored 22.

And we need to point out that Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy were very wrong in their declaration that Drew Brees scoring under his projected 25 points. 31 is more than 25, ladies!


Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy would like to point out that their expertise is not in football but in decapitating people and showing fools what their intestines look like.

What did go right this week? Chris Johnson getting some last second stat-padding numbers at the end of the Tennessee-Jacksonville Monday night snoozefest felt pretty right to us. Brandon Lloyd got his projected point total against a tough Jets D. Tom Brady got his projected total too, but we expect more from the man who invented throwing bears into outer space. Hines Ward came back with a nice 11pt day thanks to Ben Roethlisberger's return after sitting out four games because he doesn't understand what consent means. So things might actually be looking up for your People's Champion... 'cause they can't get any much worse. Unless we lose to Bex. Like LOBO did. By 26.

So the People's Champion limps into Week 7 with a unpleasant 2-4 record, the same record as our opponent that week LOBO's Predator Press (did we mention he lost to Bex?). We'll have a preview of this epic battle for sole possession of 7th place (especially if Don's Eunuchs keep faltering) later in the week. Until then, stay bold.


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Renal Failure can't lose to Bex until they play in Week 8.

Week 6 Preview: Renal Failure vs. Bourbon Blasters

by Renal Failure


Brett Favre ain't got shit on George C. Scott, and he's been dead for years...

It's Revenge Game time for Joe O. as his Bourbon Blasters take on the People's Champion Renal Failure in Week 6. Last season, Renal Failure squeaked out a one-point victory over last year's Defending Champions to keep their undefeated season alive, and that one game might have been what caused Joe not to make the playoffs last year. Also, Joe's undefeated streak to start this season ended with LOBO's Predator Press getting a big 21-point day from TE Vernon Davis, making Joe taste the dreaded "I Got Beat by a Tight End" soup that we had been served back in '08 when Dallas-fucking-Clark (then of the Ramblers) outscored Chris Johnson to beat us.

But what do we see here? Joe has Dallas Clark and the People's Champ has Chris Johnson in their lineups for week's throwdown. Could it be that this is the People's Chance to finally chase away the Dallas Clark poltergeist that has haunted us since '08, except for when his haunting laid dormant in '09 because we had him in our employ?


"Go into the light, Dallas Clark... all are welcome... all are welcome..."

As of Friday morning, Yahoo! has the Blasters whooping up on the People's Champ 93-71, worse than the 93-80 they wrongly projected us to lose by last week to Canucklehead. Tom Brady's only projected for 20pts against the Ravens, who last week gave up big numbers to Kyle Orton (though Joe is going to cut into Brady's points by starting Wes Welker). Chris Johnson is slated for 15 against the Jaguars, but this is a Bear Orbital Warning game because the Jags' Defense is weak. TE Marcedes Lewis still gets no respect even though he's got 5 touchdowns on the year and seems to be the only weapon David Garrard can rely on in the pass game. Daryl Revis is questionable against the Broncos, not that Brandon Lloyd cares because he's Brandon Lloyd and 100-yard games is his thing, at least it is this season. And the People's Bold lineup choice of the week: starting Rams' WR Danny Amendola. Sam Bradford's going to be slinging the ball around all day playing from behind vs. the Chargers, someone's got to catch it. And with Mark Clayton's gone for the season it's the perfect time for Amendola to shine.

On the Blasters side, eh... those numbers seem about right. Maybe Steven Smith loses some catches and TD's to Dominik Hixon and Mario Manningham. Maybe Shonn Green has the hot hand instead of LaDainian Tomlinson vs. Brett Favre's groin, uh I mean the Vikings. And perhaps the lack of a running game hurts Drew Brees vs Tampa Bay more than the brain trust at Yahoo! thinks. We tend to trust our own in-house brain trust more on these matters.


Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy think Drew Brees will fall short of his 25 projected points. They also think that Joe should start DeAngelo Williams because you get secret Yahoo! bonus points for starting people who are on Bye Weeks.

The People's Champion seems to be getting their mojo working again, and a win here would get them back to .500 right before the midway game of the season in Week 7, setting the Wild Card of the HBFFL up for a decent chance later in the season at an actual wild card spot, or possibly even first place. And everyone else in the HBFFL will be rooting for Renal Failure to win because then Joe would get knocked out of sole possession of first place and cast back down to the desperate masses. Plus it would guarantee Joe won't go 13-1 and break our record for wins in a regular season that we set last year. See? Everyone wins. Except for Joe. And probably Bex too 'cause she forgets to fix her lineup for her players' bye weeks.


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Renal Failure has seen the best and brightest of his generation cut down by kung-fu treachery.