Yes, Canadians, best known for hockey and curling...
...they really shouldn't play football.
To wit (or not too witty really when you think about it), this past weekend the two Canadians in our league, Canucklehead and nonamedufus, left a total of 236 points on their benches. Canucklehead left 133 points as he lost 105-71 to Joe; nonames, 103, 83-56 to me.
In Canucklehead's defense, even though he gave up the (much) larger portion of points I would have chosen most of the players he did too: Stafford over Rivers, Andre Johnson over Miles Austin and the Giants D over the Bills D. I would have played Ahmad Bradshaw in the flex spot over Tampa Bay's Mike Williams too. Even not choosing McGahee over Forte or Bradshaw wouldn't have been a bad choice under normal circumstances. How was he to know that Forte and Bradshaw would be injured? So I can't really fault him for much of anything other than his being Canadian, which is bad enough.
But not to be a sore winner or anything, I can fault nonames. In particular, I have to single out his choice of Reggie Bush over Michael Bush. Admittedly, I picked up Michael in the other league in which I play, but to pick him against Reggie? Nyuh. Reggie had 26 carries for 174 yards and two touchdowns for a total of 38 fantasy points in our league, while Michael had 14 rushes for 54 yards for a mere 5 points.
No shit, Sherlock.
Now so that you don't think I'm being too cruel to nonames, in his defense, selecting Aaron Rodgers (14 fantasy points) over Big Ben (21) most weeks is a no-brainer.
However, picking James Jones (0 fantasy points) over Victor Cruz (30) is...well...a brainer...right upside the head. Jones is as of yet an unproven quantity; Cruz, already a proven ass-kicker.
Due to his team being unable to put up a fight this weekend, I am able to post this edition of Tuesday Morning QB a day early. I lead 107-59 as of this morning and all he has left is a kicker, Rob Bironas of the Tennessee Titans, to play, so I'm pretty safe in assuming I have this one in the bag.
But also give credit to the key players on my team for showing up: Aaron Rodgers, 33 fantasy points; Arian Foster, 21; Frank Gore, 19; and Minnesota defense, 10.
And my bench players, especially Thomas Jones who robbed some of the glory of Canuckehead's running back, Jamaal Charles. Jones ended up with 22 fantasy points; Charles, a mere 11.
So really what I'm saying is give credit to me and me. I chose to play the players I did, including those on the bench, and I still won.
I think, though, in the end, why I won is my groovy Yahoo avatar
hypnotized Canucklehead's bland Yahoo avatar
into keeping Green Bay Packers tight end Jermichael Finley in the lineup even though he was injured.
Next up: Joe's Bourbon Blasters, who will be playing without Dallas Clark!
We have problems with anger, and with our team not scoring points...
Last season, your People's Champion set the HBFFL record for points scored in a 14-game regular season with 1481, about 105 points a game. In 2010, Renal Failure is second-to-last with 290 points in 4 games (72 points a game), just 35 points ahead of Bex's Battling Butterflies (though it would only be a three-point deficit if she had remembered to start Chad Henne at QB this week instead of bye-week Brett Favre. But at least it didn't cost her the game as it did with Don forgetting to bench bye-week Tony Romo and Kellen Winslow for Matt Ryan and Zach Miller. You got a freebie win there, Static.)
With our 81-48 loss to La Machine, long-waited vengeance was not had and the People's Champion is left to wonder what the hell is going on with their once-feared franchise. Our backup QB Sam Bradford scored twice as many points as Founder of Bear NASA Tom Brady this week (26-13), First overall pick in the draft Chris Johnson churned out a paltry 6 points vs. Denver, and Hines Ward grabbed a solitary point vs. the Ravens. Only Mark Clayton (7pts) and recently acquired Marcedes Lewis (8pts) made any sort of dent on the scoreboard. The fact that we lost by so much mitigates the regret of leaving Brandon Lloyd and his 16 points on the bench for emergency acquisition Tim Hightower's big 2 point day because Pierre Thomas was suddenly inactive for his game against Carolina (another RB on our team injured? You don't say!), and we didn't trust that Clinton Portis would do well against the Eagles (5pts, bad but still better than Hightower).
Let's see... 1-3 record, second-least points scored, most points scored against... yeah, I think I has a pretty big fucking sad.
Our only solace from Week 4 is that we pulled a Jedi mind trick on Chris with our preview from last week. We got Chris to doubt starting Terrell Owens against us with our suggestion that perhaps Braylon Edwards would do better, but since Chris knows that Renal Failure is the goddamn devil, he hedged his bet by not taking our advice of benching the ailing Ray Rice for Peyton Hillis. Owens threw a bear into space with 33 points to Edwards' 14, and Hillis put up an impressive 21 points to Rice's 2. The lesson learned? Don't be meek and hedge your bets.
And Renal Failure learned that lesson for themselves as well. See, we were going to start Brandon Lloyd for Week 4 after hearing that Pierre Thomas was out, but then panicked and picked up Hightower minutes before kick-off. We second-guessed our first instinct. Well no more of that. Renal Failure declares from this moment on to eschew such timidity in our roster choices. If we are to lose, then we shall lose boldly! When the People's Champion acts, it will be with firm conviction and no regrets, because as one of my favorite blogs Fafblog! once wrote: "Being right is not a plan! Being wrong with resolve is a plan!" And if we are to be wrong this season, we're going to do it with resolve.
Removes even the toughest stains on your soul... but not your Fantasy season.
So the new bolder Renal Failure (with 50% more "Wild Card, bitches!" in every bottle) marches into Week 5 against What the Canuck?, better known as the only other team to defeat the People's Champion in 2009. But since we housed Canucklehead in the playoffs that year to avenge that Week 14 loss this is more a revenge game for him. We'll have our review of this pivotal matchup that could either keep the People's season alive or bury it for good later in the week. But either way, it will be bold!
___________________________________________________________ Renal Failure listened to Butt Trumpet and Dead Kennedys all through high school. It probably explains a lot.
I started the year with such high hopes. Those hopes lasted about 8 seconds until my starting QB, Tom Brady (who I don't even like - but how can you release him?) went down. In retrospect, I guess I should have known then - yet I perservered, but sadly did not prevailed.
Well, at this point all I can do is try to save face ... go out on a high note - maybe set an example for my beloved Bills. We both started out well but eventually went down like a drunk socialite at last call. Next year. It has become my mantra ... next year. I wish all of my fellow competitors all the best as we head down the home stretch. I'd like to end on a positive note, you know - it's been fun or some other crap I don't really believe. Here it is - next year I will crush you all. Like bugs. Book it. Done. In the meantime, you can find me plotting my revenge HERE.
This week it wasn't so much instant karma as it was delayed karma, which brings me to:
Rule #338 of Fantasy Football: Don't taunt your opponent in a comment on one of his/her blog entries.
To wit, on Friday I commented on a post by Matt of That Tears It..., who coaches The White Strypers, in a, let's say, less than encouraging manner. To his post titled "Top 5 Kicks in the Crotch," among which he counted Michael Jordan in the 1997 and 1998 NBA finals putting the kabosh on the Utah Jazz, I had this to say, and I quote:
I was a huge Jordan fan, and I'd like to say I feel for you on those Jazz losses, but sorry, not really. ;) However, I still think this was a funny post and not just because the Jazz lost.
Matt's well-articulated response:
Jordan is swine.
I must have forgotten that I was playing Matt this weekend in the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League. So not surprisingly, delayed karma got me as I got my ass kicked: 101-62.
Kudos, Matt.
So reminder to self: this week if you go to visit Canucklehead's site, since you are playing his team, What the Canuck?, don't say anything that will come back and bite you in the ass. For example, don't mention that:
you really aren't a beer drinker (although you occasionally like a Canadian whiskey),
you hate hockey (even before Sarah Palin besmirched its image, which didn't need much help to be besmirched anyway)
You know - I'm speechless. And that does not happen very often. Really. I start the season out just awful (you suck Brady) -- resigned myself to the fact actually. But wait ... what's that sound? The tables ... they are turning. This is going to be great! Oh, no - wait ... I suck again. (C'mon Bills!) I've decided to turn to my rock - my source - my touchstone to do my speaking for me ...
Well, I'm 99% sure that I'm about to lose this week - if I haven't already. I'm typing this up as my opponent's running back is running up the points - much to my dismay! Regardless, things are still looking a LOT better at this point of the season than I thought they would when I was a lowly 0-2. Things are happening and we just keep on keeping on. In fact, I decided to hold a little shindig to celebrate my recent success. The fact that it was Thanksgiving up here in Canada meant that a lot of people were not able to attend but we certainly made the best of it:
Best to luck to all and if you want to come by the next shindig - watch for details over at my place. All the best and may the good football be yours. CHEERS!
Let me start by stating a simple fact: I don't even like Tom Brady. That being said, I was certainly feeling pretty good when he ended up on my roster. Hell, I was even thinking of dumping the geriatric Favre - thought he should have stayed retired. My-oh-my, how things changed ... now he is the only thing that can change the situation from me getting my ass handed to me into just barely getting beat. There's little doubt I'm in trouble. I start every season pumped about my fantasy team and by week four I don't even bother sitting people who have a bye week. Well, this year will be different - I will not endure, I will prevail! I only wish I had gone with my heart instead of my head and picked up more of my beloved Bills ... it appears my heart may actually be the brains of the operation. Ah hell, that mase no sense ... which, given my squad may be fitting. Maybe I'll go see what I cannot find in the free agent market - I'll leave you with this:
Sure, I'll admit that I've had lots of luck gambling on football in the past -- all of it bad. I could go on and on giving excuses but I'll offer only one: I'm a Bills fan. (I know, I know.) I mean, I've been a fan for a LONG time and I just cannot bring myself to give them up. They had me at hello, erm, I mean Thomas (Thurman) and Kelly (Jim). Anyway, its been a tough road and I've stuck with them through thin and thin. Same with fantasy football - I mean I watch football all the time - hell, I even do okay at pick 'em pools - but man, I SUCK at fantasy football. Well, here's my strategy - I play my best players all the time. Based on my success rate thus far I just know something is wrong with this strategy, I'm just not sure what. Anyway, I've decided to give it another shot and if I'm going to lose, it might as well be amongst a bunch of people who claim to have a sense of humour. (NOTE: I'm Canadian and refuse to spell it without a 'U' no matter what your stinking spellcheck says!) Okay, enough about me - with the draft now complete I would like to present your 2008 HBFFL Champions! (Oh, I also start every season SUPER confident - that way it hurts more as the season progresses - I'm a glutton for punishment):
(WAIT! One final note, I actually never do the whole 'research' thing so all my picks, like the post below is likely filled with gross misconceptions and inaccuracies. Sorry - that's the way I roll.)
2008 Roster - What the Canuck?
QB: TOM BRADY - Well, I'm certainly no Patriots fan but this guy is coming off a season where he set the record for most TDs thrown and spends his spare time impregnating supermodels. Book it. Done. BACKUP: Brett Favre- I actually used to like this guy. No more. I mean, he had a chance to go out with class and he botched it, like so many before him. (I'm looking at you Emmett Smith.) Anyway, he's do for a bye week.
WR: REGGIE WAYNE -My sister-in-law lives in Indy so they have become my back-up favourite team, you know - to get me through the season. MARVIN HARRISON - Another Colt, this guy is way old school. His younger brother may have went to high school with George Burns but he'll still snag a couple - wait and see. LEE EVANS - Let's go Bills! Sadly, with no QB this one is a bit of a gamble but seeing as I'll be cheering for them anyway ... BACKUP: Anthony Gonzales, Bobby Engram - I've nothing to add here. (Go Bills!)
RB: WILLIS MCGAHEE - Well, he used to play in Buffalo I think ... so, good enough. BACKUP: Ronnie Brown, Julius Jones- Insider tip: teams with no QBs run the ball a lot. Perhaps I've already said to much ...
TE: ANTONIO GATES - This guy is what is known as 'a stud'. I don't mean that he scores a lot off the field, although I suspect that may be true as well. The TE position is not one that gets a lot of Fantasy attention - but I'm real happy with this pick. On a side note, San Diego is the place where I saw my first (and only) Superbowl in person. If I told you that I watched Tampa Bay beat Oakland you might suspect it was decades ago, actually, it does kind of feel that way as well, maybe I'll look it up? Nah. BACKUP: Greg Olsen -Who did what to the where now? Isn't he a basketball player? Meh, whatever ... let's move on.
K: STEPHEN GOSTOWSKI -Pfft. Kick the damn ball Nancy. (NOTE: Someone has to kick those extra points after those Brady touchdowns.) BACKUP: Ryan Longwell- Another ex-Bill? Maybe. Anyway, see above.
DEF: BUFFALO - See, the smart money would be to pick the Broncos. I am not said money. That being said, the Bills D should be much better this year. (Why yes, I did say that last year - why do you ask?) BACKUP: Denver - Better than the Bills in almost every category except for being the Bills.
Well, there you have it. I'm getting myself sized for my HBFFL Superbowl cockring as we speak. At least, I assume that is what the prize is. (Did I dream it?) I for one AM ready for some football! With two pick 'em pools, two fantasy pools and countless ProLine tickets - it is time for Canucklehead to cash in! (Once again, super confident to start.) To watch the complete and utter emotional breakdown of a grown man happen before your very eyes - follow the carnage as the season progresses over at my place. Until then, may the good football be yours - CHEERS!
