2008 left a bad taste in the figurative mouth of LaMachine. A One-point loss in the Championship game tends to do that to a team, especially when it comes at the hand of a cross-dresser.
Enjoy your defending umm ship umm ness umm whatever for the sixteen weeks you have it Defending Champion. I think this clip sums up the pain you and everyone else will feel in the 2009 season...
The only difference this time is that Ivan Drago will actually win the damned fight. There’s no script in this fantasy season analogy that leads to a championship loss like there was in Rocky IV.
Don’t sing it bring it you all say?
Consider it brought. And brought. And then brought some more.
We start with the only returning member from the 2008 squad, quarterback Donovan McNabb. His backup this year is Jake Delhomme.
How about this squad of running backs: Michael Turner, Ryan Grant, Chris Johnson, Ray Rice, and Knowshon Moreno?
If the impressive list of backfield domination does not have Defending Champion trembling in his high heels, and the entire HBFFL for that matter there is more where that came from.
Calvin Johnson leads the wide receiver squad. This is a guy that amassed a staggering 1,331 yards and twelve touchdowns for Detroit, a team that lost every single game last season. Joining him on LaMachine’s roster is Wes Welker, Bernard Berrian, and Donald Driver.
Scared yet Mr. Thong-Beneath-His-Business-Suit man? Worried yet fellow league owners?
Finally, rounding out the machine-like scoring in 2009 are tight ends Chris Cooley, Kevin Boss; kicker John Kasey, and the mighty Tennessee defense/special teams.
LaMachine is serving notice to the entire league and not just Defending Champion. You have no chance to survive. Make your time.
Of my strategy to attain the most unpronounceable player in the the NFL, 'Operation: Roethlisberger' was countered by my esteemed colleague Renal Failure with "T. J. Houshmandzadeh."
"Houshmandzadeh" uses all your tiles and has a "z" in it -on Triple Word, this makes his Scrabble score incalculable.
The chaos that is the 2009 auto-draft has ended and Renal Failure, The People's Champion (8-6, finished 7th), has emerged looking much like they did in 2008.
Philip Rivers (4th in QB points in '08) returns to the Failure as starting QB. Maurice-Jones Drew and Steve Slaton (10th and 8th in '08) are back as an even more dangerous one/two RB combo now that Fred Taylor is no longer vulturing touchdowns in Jacksonville. Hines Ward returns to provide stability in the WR slot, and our DEF is anchored by the ever-steady Philadelphia Eagles (1st in '08).
Unfortunately our MVP of last season WR Larry Fitzgerald was gobbled up by Paula's GooglyEyed Goons, and the third head on our Three-Headed Hydra of Running Backs (and the People's Best Free Agent Pickup from '08) Chris Johnson ended up on La Machine. We're hoping WR TJ Houshmandzadeh can revitalize his career in Seattle, and that Reggie Bush has another injury-plagued season in New Orleans so RB Pierre Thomas gets a chance to shine and our Three-Headed Hydra can be ressurected.
(Note: actually we had a four-headed Hydra last season with Jones-Drew, Slaton, Johnson, and Joseph Addai, giving us the deepest RB core in the league even with Addai's sub-par season.)
The loss of Chicago's DEF is countered by the acquisition of Tampa Bay. We lost K's David Akers (2nd in '08) and Rob Bironas, but we figure Nate Kaeding and Neil Rackers will be quite busy in the high-offense cities of San Diego and Arizona respectively. And Eli Manning has the pedigree and breeding to fill in as backup QB when necessary.
But the biggest pickup in this draft was of the man who single-handedly destroyed our playoff chances last season: The People's Scourge TE Dallas Clark. His improbable 21 point game against Tennessee sank us against the Ramblers in Week 8, but now we've ensured that Mr. Clark will not screwing us like that again.
When you play against Renal Failure, you play against The People. And The People are dangerous, like a crib made out of rusty nails and broken glass. We look forward to a fantasy football season of wild fabrications, outright lies, and violent, delusional week-to-week mood swings.
