Friday, October 28, 2011

Purple Drank Basement Haunting Again

Last week I had a scare against the last-place Multiple Scoregasms.


No, not the wake up, roll over, and think holy shit how much did I have to drink last night kind of scare.

My Purple Drank only scored 68 points!

That's worse than waking up next to Amy Winehouse, especially since she is dead. It might be even more frightening than waking up next to Sarah Jessica Parker.


Every day is Halloween for Matthew Broderick, by the way.

Multiple Scoregasms' 44-point performance, on the other hand was less scary and more like the ghost in this cartoon:


So, after my harrowing win last week I continue the basement haunting, this time against the 2-5 Future Ex-Cons. And I'm bringing along a...errr...ummm...."huge" secret weapon this time, something Halloween-themed.

Sure, she seems all hot and stuff until she eats your face, and your lineup! Omm nom nom.

That can mean only one thing for the Future-Ex Cons...
Bad news!

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Halfway through the season... and we're feeling kinda of "eh"


by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





We didn't have a good Fantasy Football week...

Your People's Champion is beginning to think Yahoo! projected scores are just random numbers shaken out of a cowboy hat, because we were projected to win 107-65 vs. What the Canuck? and we ended up losing 110-70. No, that is not irony, that's just Yahoo! being completely wrong.

Only Megatron bothered showing up for the Failure this week. Well, to be fair Jason Witten (9pts) and Brandon Lloyd (7pts) did make a decent showing But CJ2K was a ghost and Ryan Mathews got injured in his game and was limited. Tony Romo got outdueled by Mark Sanchez, who we gave to Canuck in the Megatron trade. Meanwhile Canucklehead killed us with big days from Matt Forte, Steve Smith, and Fred Davis.


Losing to Canuck was still better than the 48-43 lost we suffered in the FTWL against a guy starting two players on their bye week and the injured Andre Johnson. Yeah, play us out of Week 7 Keyboard Cat...

So at the halfway point of the 2011 season, your defending Champions sit at 4-3, which is better than the 2-5 position we were in last year. We're sitting in 5th with Bourbon Blasters, also at 4-3, looking up at nonames at 5-2. Above them are Purple Drank and Predator Press at 6-1. LOBO seems to be in a good position to fulfill the HBFFL prophecy of last year's championship loser winning it the title the next year, which also means that Renal Failure will not make the playoffs. That, however, will not happen.

Renal Failure is a second-half team, going 16-5 over the last three years in the second half of the season. No team in the HBFFL has a better second-half record than Renal Failure in those three years. So if there's one thing your People's Champ knows how to do is finish strong.


Take that to the bank! Unless it's Bank of America because I'm not paying 5 bucks a month just to be able to use my frickin' debit card. That's bullshit!

All right, so the People need to regroup for Week 8. We're still in a good position to make the playoffs. We've got the talent. Now we just need some wins. And who is stepping to the people, the new flavor of the month nonames who have been racking up wins on the arm of Aaron Rodgers (which is how Rambler used to rack up wins).

But Oh No! Rodgers is on a bye week! And Larry Fitzgerald is matched up against the tough Baltimore Defense. Well, he still has Jimmy Graham who has been lighting it up at the tight end position all year (we have him in another league, one that we're actually first in) but his running back duo of Jonathan Stewart and Mike Tolbert leave much to be desired.

Meanwhile the People's Champion gets LeSean McCoy back from a bye, and has no other usual starters on a bye either. So now it's time for nonames to learn what it's like to try and survive these brutal games when your big guns are unavailable. It's time to get hyped for another Renal Failure late season run! EAST COAST PHILLY BABY WHERE YOU AT?


Renal Failure is so Pringles...

Okay, so let's see what Yahoo! projects the score to be... Renal Failure 102, Nonames 70.

Shit...

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. We were foolish enough to agree to be in four leagues this season. We're 5th in the HBFFL, 9th in the FTWL, 9th in another, but solidly in first place in the fourth league. And thus the secret to fantasy football is revealed... be in a lot of leagues because you can't lose in all of them. Just most of them.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

To The Victor Goes The Spoils

by nonamedufus

Yeah, that's me. They don't call me Mr. Tibbs. They call me noname "victor" dufus. In week 7 your humble fantasy fanatic squeaked by Future Ex-Cons 104-90. It's not the biggest margin for a win. But it's a win nonetheless.

nonames' QB, Mr. Rodgers, had another wonderful day in the neighbourhood, racking up 35 fantasy points. Why was the win so narrow? Seems FE-C had a running back named Adrian Peterson who garnered 28 points. That was a close one, Troi. Good effort, guy.

With our win nonames moves into 3rd spot in the HBFFL. That's right. This fantasy noname neophyte has slipped into 3rd place folks, with a record of 5-2-0.

Well, last week, when I was in 4th spot, I was telling Bourbon Blasters, Predator Press and Purple Drank to start looking over their shoulders. Guys? One down. Two to go. Bourbon Blasters lost to my Penn State pal Unfinished Person. Thanks, UP.

So much for the "victor" part. Now let me tell you how week 8 may well be spoiled.

It'll be a miracle if I move out of 3rd spot in week 8, unless it's down, because Mr. Rodgers, a Running Back, my 2 Kickers and my Defence are all on byes.

Damn, fame can be fleeting. Sometimes fantasy football sucks.

Bourbon Blasters goes down for the count at the hands of the nonames.


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Tuesday Morning Quarterback: Countin' when the dealin's done



With Michael Vick on his bye week and Maurice Jones-Drew playing the highly-touted Ravens D, that's who I was this week: The Gambler.

I swallowed the fantasy football hype on Tim Tebow and DeMarco Murray hook, line and sinker, and I'm glad I did. I counted 125 points to Bourbon Blaster's 106 points, with a large portion of his points coming from  Drew "The No-Gamble" Brees.

My only error: I jumped on the Torain Train (perhaps a little too early, now with Tim Hightower out), who scored a whopping 0 points. MJD actually had 14 fantasy points and would have been the better play in the flex position.

So what's funny about this post? So far, nothing...

...except maybe for the name DeMarco.

Or how about Tebow?

Tea Bow? Tea Bough? Tee Bo, like Tae Bo? Which brings me in a roundabout way (thanks to a Google image search for Tae Bo) to something Mr. Tebow, being the ├╝ber-Christian he is, probably has used in his workout routines since his homeschooling days:


Praise Moves
photo courtesy of Frauenfelder via Flickr

Evidently Willis believes that yoga needs a Christian alternative and I'm thinking who better to promote her product than Tebow.

original photo courtesy of Open Sports via Flickr, with a little adaptation by me

I know. I know. The NFL bans such promotion underneath the eyes, but I'm imagining what this would be like in a perfect world where there didn't need to be a Christian alternative to yoga, because there would be no yoga.

Personally (at least for this week), I'm just glad there's a Tim Tebow.

2011 HBFFL Week Seven Fantasy MVPs


It's not unusual for the Carlton Banks look-alike Arian Foster to have a big fantasy football day. He ran, he caught, he even danced to Tom Jones in the end zone a couple of times on the way to winning this week's top MVP.

QB: D. Brees 41 points (325 yds, 5 pass TD's, +5 300+ yds)
Bpurbon Blasters

RB: A. Foster 52 points (115 yds, 2 rush TD's, +5 100+ yds, 119 rec yds, 1 rec TD, +5 100+ yds, 1 40+ yd TD)
Predator Press

WR: G. Jennings 27 points (147 yds, 1 rec TD's, +5 100+ yds, 1 40+ yd TD)
Unfinished Person

TE: J. Graham 17 points (54 yds, 2 rec TD's)
nonames

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Week 7: Someone's Getting Canucked


by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





Laying the smackdown as only Renal Failure can...

It wasn't the usual bloodbath between Renal Failure and Bald Spots, but your People's Champion emerged with a solid 113-73 victory. Only Purple Drank had a larger margin of victory in Week 6.

Not a happy week for Bryan and his Bald Spots. Tony Romo out-dueled Tom Brady fantasy-wise 23-19. I made fun of the Bald Spots last week for almost starting two receivers named Nelson so he switched out David Nelson (6pts) and kept in Jordy Nelson (blowing up for 23 big points). Unfortunately Bald Spots didn't take my advice and put in Anquan Boldin. He had 18 points compared to Dez Bryant's 7. Vernon Davis and BenJarvus Green-Ellis came up small (0 and 6 points respectively). Renal Failure mixes his lies with the truth.

For the Failure, LeSean McCoy had a 24-point day against Washington. Megatron continues to dominate, even when not catching touchdowns (16-point day). Jason Witten had 10-points, continuing to generate steady pointage at the volitaile TE position. And the New York Defense joined in the fun with 16-points of their own. Nice big days that equal big wins in fantasy football.


Billy Cundiff wields the golden foot of victory...

But the big story was Billy Fucking Cundiff, kicking 17 points. When do you see kickers put up big numbers like that? NEVER. He booted a bear into orbit, mind you a tinier bear than the ones that Tom Brady usually throws into the Crab Nebula. But no one wants to give Billy Fucking Cundiff his due props.

Bringing us down from our Billy Fucking Cundiff high were the anemic performances of replacement WR Mike Thomas (3pts) and backup RB DeAngelo Williams (4pts after back-to-back double digit games on the bench). Granted, because of bye weeks we were forced to play these two, but we expected more. Perhaps when we don't start them, that's when they'll do well. If you can't play well for us, at least be decent trade bait. We'd love another solid receiver.


Artist rendition of how Renal Failure is preparing for this week's game vs. Canucklehead...

So Week 7... Renal Failure (4-2) vs. What the Canuck? (2-4)

No LeSean McCoy for the Failure, but Chris Johnson is back and we give Ryan Mathews a shot at being productive for the People. Canuck is without the number one back in the league Fred Jackson, which is a shame because the man we traded him for is slated for 22 points against Atlanta on Sunday (MIGHTY MEGATRON!) Without Peyton Manning, Canuck has been adrift in the fantasy sea, depending on Mark Sanchez (other gift from us) to steady the ship.

Renal Failure is projected to win 110-66 vs What the Canuck? but the People's Champ wants to see more than that. We're counting on a change of scenery for Brandon Lloyd getting him back to his Number One Wide-Out of 2010 form. We're also hoping that Tony Romo puts up big numbers (and that a lot of them go to Jason Witten) before he loses the game for the Cowboys.

Look for the People's Champ to break from the 4-2 pack in Week 7. Sorry nonames and Bourbon Blasters, but we've got playoffs to make, and a championship to defend.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion, which means he's the champion of the 99%. But Renal Failure doesn't occupy a park or a city. Renal Failure occupies your heart.

Purple Drank Will Disappoint a Basement Dweller


Another week another pwning. It was not a pretty result for Joe's Bourbon Blasters.


Now my top-scoring squad Purple Drank faces one of the basement dwellers in Week Seven: Multiple Scoregasms.


I hear ya Admiral. We are talking about an 0-6 team itching, hungry even for their first-ever win in the HBFFL. Multiple Scoregasms would serve Ackbar as sushi if it meant getting off the schneid at my team's expense.


But since Multiple Scoregasms is a new owner this year I will spare him the agony of winning a game. Instead I offer my usual warning about what it means to face Purple Drank...

Bad news!

Monday, October 17, 2011

2011 HBFFL Week Six Fantasy MVPs


Imagine if Aaron Rodgers had a lightsaber. He would not need to throw bears. He could just lop off their heads because that is how badass he is.

QB: A. Rodgers 33 points (310 yds, 3 pass TD's, +5 300+ yds, 1 40+ yd pass TD, 15 rush yds, 1 INT)
nonames

RB: M. Turner 30 points (139 yds, 2 rush TD's, +5 100+ yds)
Purple Drank

WR: J. Nelson 23 points (104 yds, 1 rec TD's, +5 100+ yds, 1 40+ yd TD)
Bald Spots

TE: J. Graham 17 points (124 yds, +5 100+ yds)
nonames

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Purple Drank Will Blast the Blasters

Every week it seems like any player that joins the Bourbon Blaster squad either goes down with an injury, an undisclosed illness, or has a pre-existing injury that gets worse. And he isn't even Canadian.

Weird.

And yet, Joe's team keeps racking up the points and the wins. When a cross-dressing fantasy football owner is involved prepare to expect the unexpected.


But something has to give. That something is Week Six. Bourbon Blasters vs Purple Drank. 4-1 vs 4-1. Bye week/injury hell vs a full strength roster.

Facing me this week is like facing the honey badger...


It is relentless. It does what it wants. Of course we know what this means for Bourbon Blasters...


Bad news!

(I thought I had hit publish when I scheduled this for 10:30am this morning. So if you came here and wondered why the hell it showed up at 11:30 pm that's why.)

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Week 6: Bloodbath Warning is in Effect


by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure




Artistic rendering of a Renal Failure vs. Bald Spots fantasy football matchup...

The Un-Ramblers escaped with a win over your People's Champion last week 101-92. The Jason Campbell experiment at QB didn't work like we thought (Tony Romo was on a bye week), and only someone from the future would have picked DeAngelo Williams to have a much better day than Chris Johnson. Brandon Lloyd continues to struggle, but Megatron still delivers for the People and made it a close game. We'll get another shot at Rambler in Week 14, and at full strength too.

Now to the task at hand... Bald Spots. As regular readers of this blog will know, Renal Failure and Bald Spots have quite a history playing against each other. It was Bald Spots vs. Renal Failure back in 2009 when Tom Brady had his 60-point game that gave birth to the fantasy football phrase "throwing a bear into outer space" to denote a ridiculously awesome fantasy performance by a player (note: Renal Failure survived to win that game). The next year, Bald Spots threw all sorts of bears into outer space with a 156-86 victory in Week Three of the 2010 season. Renal Failure returned the favor in Week 13 with a 166-76 nuclear holocaust where Tom Brady (now on Renal Failure team), Peyton Hillis, and Dwayne Bowe outscored not only the entire Bald Spots starting roster on their own with 126 points between them, they outscored every other team in the HBFFL that day.

When Bald Spots and Renal Failure get together, it's never pretty.


Why don't you enjoy hurting me as much as I enjoy hurting you?

The matchup for Week 6 doesn't look so painful... for Renal Failure. Yes, Bald Spots has Tom Brady slinging the rock in a favorable matchup with Dallas, but that means Tony Romo will be throwing just as much as well. CJ2K is out for Renal Failure, but that just gives us the chance to see if DeAngelo Williams is the real deal after two outstanding rushing weeks. Brandon Lloyd is also on a bye, but it's almost like he's been on a bye week for most of the season anyway. The Philadelphia Eagles are looking to stop being embarrassed week after week so a big week from Shady McCoy is likely. And then there's Megatron, who murders Autobots and catches touchdowns every single week.

Bald Spots are in a jam, Tom Brady and Vernon Davis aside. They're relying on BenJarvus Green-Ellis for their running attack, which is never a sure thing. Vincent Jackson is out on a bye week and Bryan doesn't have a lot of receiving options on his roster. In fact, as of this post, he's going with David Nelson of the Bills and Jordy Nelson of the Packers as his WR and Flex options. They might be serviceable but neither tickle the "Bear in orbit" meter.


Bryan might be better off playing Matthew & Gunnar than David and Jordy... also, this might be the first-ever Nelson joke in Fantasy Football history...

The Yahoo! number-crunchers have Renal Failure winning 102-81(mainly because Bryan hasn't switched out Vincent Jackson yet, but if he puts in Anquan Boldin the score is 102-90), but the People know that it won't be that close. Someone's spending Week 6 in a lot of pain, and we're not counting on it being us.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. Renal Failure suggests putting "Hobo with a Shotgun" in your Netflix queue. But you're not ready for Ichi the Killer. You need to work up to that movie.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Biggest Blowout

So here we are heading into Week 6 of the NFL and, more importantly, into the 6th week in the land of football make-believe with that motley crew of rejects who call themselves managers of teams in the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League.


It's been an interesting first five weeks. Let me recap. The nonames (clever name, eh?) are 3-2-0. Now don't let that mediocre score fool you. In five weeks the nonames have moved from 9th to 4th position, trailing Bourbon Blasters, Predator Press and Purple Drank all at 4-1-0.


But I'm confident the nonames will continue to move forward. After all slow and steady wins the race, football championships and sexual partners.


Anyway, the nonames have already kicked some serious butt in the stats department. They've won the largest margin of victory in a single week category. They're atop the most kicking points in a single week category. And they lead the best single week (474) and best season average (1748) in receiving yards. They also lead the least rushing yards category, but we're not gonna go there.


Now for the largest margin of victory the nonames received the "Biggest Blowout" award. I know. Sounds great, eh. Not to be confused with the blowout that occurs on Canada's Thanksgiving weekend. But, hey, I didn't win this award just this weekend. I won it last weekend too! And here's how I shared the news with my Facebook fans:


Two weeks in a row! And I did it without Correctol 50 Plus!

Win with the highest margin of victory




And not to put too fine a point on it but here's how I did it and who I did it to:


In Week 4: nonames 151 - Bald Spots 85 ... a blowout of 66 points.


In Week 5: nonames 103 - Multiple Scorgasms 66 ... a blowout of 37 points.


So BB, PP and PD watch out. I'm coming for you. And I'm loading up on Correctol 50 Plus. So, beware because our blowout could be messy.


I don't know what this means but it had the word "blowout" in it

and I really liked the picture.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Purple Drank Sics Scumbag Steve on Predator Press

After last week's low score vs. Renal Failure I reached back into my bag of secret weapons for the matchup against Lobo's 4-0 Predator Press. Just in case.

The result was a 81-67 victory for my Purple Drank squad.

Not only did Scumbag Steve steal points from Lobo's score but also his lighter too. Try being a smoker forced to use matches. Very distracting.

Tuesday Morning QB: Don't call it a comeback...

...because it wasn't. I led the entire way and despite my mistake of playing a sleeper (Isaac Redman for 5 fantasy points) in place of the tried and true (either Jahvid Best with 29 fantasy points or Willis McGahee, 19), I still pulled off the victory 101-92 over Renal Failure.

It might have been a TKO, but it still was a KO.


Not that RF didn't try to mount the comeback, which sounds sort of dirty if you think about it too much, you perverts. Coming into last night's Lions-Bears game, he only had 59 points, but thanks to a mega-26 points from Megatron, off five receptions for 130 yards, and seven from Robbie Gould, RF got close but it was no cigar.

 RF does own a copy of Joe Dirt on DVD. Sad but true.

Next week's opponent is LOBO with his Predator Press squad. I think he also owns a copy of Joe Dirt but on VHS.

2011 HBFFL Week Five Fantasy MVPs


Like Superman showing Batman who the bitch is, Aaron Rodgers continues to seemingly show up on the MVP list every week.

QB: A. Rodgers 34 points (396 yds, 2 pass TD's, +5 300+ yds, 1 40+ yd pass TD)
nonames

RB: A. Peterson 35 points (122 yds, 3 rush TD's, +5 100+ yds)
Future Ex-Cons

WR: D. Bowe 31 points (128 yds, 2 rec TD's, +5 100+ yds, 1 40+ yd TD)
Bourbon Blasters

TE: J. Graham 17 points (129 yds, +5 100+ yds)
nonames

Sunday, October 9, 2011

They Drink the Drinks, the Drinks they Drank

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Millions and millions of times a day, people are always asking me ”LOBO, you’re not going to brag about being #1 in the standings –and undefeated- when you have a shaky wide receiver corps, Matthew Stafford gets injured when you look at him and cross your eyes, and the “Points Against” you are 289 … literally the lowest in the league?”

Hell yes I am.

See, I’ve never seen the movie “Pay it Forward,” but I’ve heard enough to know it largely revolves around an American adaptation of the Karmic Wheel: “What goes around, comes around,” and “Do unto others,” et cetera.

Sure this four-game winning streak is unprecedented in the history of the HBFFL except when other teams have done it. But -infinitely wise, and in full command of the radiant brainiosty of a thousand men (or six or seven women)- I know only too well this is not The Universe finally escalating me to my rightful place in NFL history.  It’s a trick: as soon as they are placing my bust next to Jim Brown's in the Hall of Fame, pow, The Universe will start screwing me once again.

Thus, in the spirit of “Paying it forward,” the 2011 Predator Press juggernaut is seizing upon this opportunity to tell The Universe to go fuck itself: we are helping little old ladies cross the street only to abandon them in the middle of I-94. We are kicking puppies (nobody really likes kicking puppies, but midgets sue).

And perhaps cruelest of all – despite the improbable mathematics -We are sending Purple Drank sprawling to the abyss of 11th place in a 10-team league.




-Mathematicians, doctors, wizards, and other heresy have no place under reign of the mighty Predator Press!

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Week 5: Renal vs. Rambler


by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure





Give us the cuttlefish, Rambler!

So Renal Failure goes from knocking off the top team in the league in Week 4 to playing against a team in Week 5 that just picked up its first win of the season last week. Seems like a drop-off in terms of dramatic tension, but this week's game revives an old HBFFL grudge match between your People's Champion and the Un-Ramblers of the UnfinishedPerson, formerly the UnfinishedRambler, formerly John Cougar Mellancamp. No, we made that last part up.

But what we're not making up is that we're in the bye week section of the season where teams won't be able to field their optimal lineups, where bench depth comes into play. And this week has hit Renal Failure in some sensitive areas.


If you're kicker is on a bye week, she's available...

Renal Failure is without starting QB Tony Romo, but even more troubling is that we're without our starting TE Jason Witten. This puts your People's Champion at the mercy of Raiders QB Jason Campbell and Bengals TE Jermaine Gresham. Campbell is 12th in scoring when it comes to QB's in the HBFFL so that's not a bad drop-off, but we'll need Gresham to really step his game up considering how much we rely on production from Witten. Luckily for us Yahoo! only has Gresham projected for 4 points and we're confident he can exceed that.

Rambler doesn't have any big bye week losses to his line up, other than Felix Jones and Ryan Torain. He's depending a lot on Michael Vick (projected for 24 points) and Greg Jennings (projected for 13). And he's hoping that Andre Johnson's injury in Houston sends more balls toward TE Owen Daniels. For his running backs, he's starting MJD but also taking a gamble on Isaac Redman of the Steelers now that Mendenhall is hurt. Yahoo! is projecting Redman for 11 points, but is only giving 9 to Renal Failure's own Chris Johnson, which we don't think is right.


Our Lady of Tight Denim Victory... please grant us continued wins over Rambler who hasn't beaten us in the HBFFL since that infamous Dallas Clark game of 2008... Ines Sainz be praised...

Yahoo! has the Un-Ramblers winning 95-83 over your People's Champion, but we're not buying that. Yahoo! is severely underestimating the Renal Failure lineup (we've got Megatron, baby!), and people who underestimate Renal Failure end up with blood in their urine and another loss in the standings. Despite Yahoo!'s prognostications for a Renal Failure defeat, we expect to see the People's Champ rising to 4-1 and staying in the thick of the playoff hunt. Rambler, on the other hand... well, you take pride of your dominance in the FTWL.


Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. Renal Failure also saw Human Centipede 2 this weekend. It was everything we hoped it would be... AND MORE!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Winning is for Closers

Last week my team was like Dave Moss and Shelley Levene in Glengarry Glen Ross.

They complained about the weakness of the matchups.

"The matchups are weak? Fucking matchups are weak? You're weak." I retorted.

It was not a pleasant day in Purple Drank's locker room Monday after the humiliating loss to Renal Failure 137-76. Players were called out. The riot act was read. Terrell Owens even cried.


It does not get better with a matchup this week against Lobo's mighty 4-0 Predator Press team either.

He goes into this contest with no bye issues to speak of and a healthy Arian Foster too.

Mom's Basement predicts a blowout from the start:


And steak knives are not second prize. Being mired in the middle of a potential 3-2 clump of teams scrapping for a playoff spot is.

Am I worried? No way. My Purple Drank squad is still a high-scoring unit despite what the basement prognosticators say. And my team is pissed off and angry. They do not like being shown up.

What does this mean for Lobo?


Bad news!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

I drink your Purple Drank! I DRINK IT UP!

by 2010 HBFFL Champion Renal Failure






"Ta-da! Your perfect season... it's gone!"

As Chris so correctly and dutifully reminded us in the comments of our last post, he had a four-game winning streak against Renal Failure going into Week 4 of the 2011 season. Emphasis on "had" because the People's Champion has finally wrought revenge on Chris with a decisive 137-76 victory over the highest scoring team in the HBFFL, thus ruining his perfect season and knocking him out of first place.

Revenge is a dish best served cold... and it is very cold in space... where the bears are thrown...

Admittedly, Purple Drank had a very off week compared to their hot start. Matt Schaub put up an anemic ten points, the Rob Gronkowski gravy train ran out, only trickling a single point vs. Oakland, and Mike Wallace and Stevie Johnson underperformed. Even with 11-points, Alex Henery disappointed because he missed two easily-makeable field goals for the Eagles. Only the RB's Ray Rice and Michael Turner turned in notable days for Chris's Purple Drank.


And how does a 61-point loss to Renal Failure feel like? That bad, huh?

The Renal Roster finally got clicking this week, reminding this forgetful league of why Renal Failure is the HBFFL's most dangerous team. Johnson & Johnson lit it up, with CJ2K finally getting into the swing of things with a servicable 16-point day while Megatron just keeps jumping in the end zone and pulling down passes week after damn week (21 points). Tony Romo worked through his broken ribs to give us a big 27-point performance. Brandon Lloyd finally got involved in the Broncos offense, showing everyone why he was first in the league in receiving yards last year with a delicious 18 points. Jason Witten continues to dominate the tight end position with 15 points. Even the New York Jets defense got into the spirit of whooping up on Chris with a 20-point day of their own, assisted by Billy Cundiff's 10-spot. LeSean McCoy had an off-day with only 10-points, but after Ronnie Brown's Wildcat abortion at the goal line we have a feeling Shady is going to be getting a lot more red zone chances.


The Joker... Mortal Kombat... see, it's all circular, man. We bring that shit around...

So with Chris's loss, LOBO inexplicably rises the top of the HBFFL standings at 4-0. But LOBO has little time to enjoy the view, as a dangerous trio of teams sit at 3-1 ready to pounce: Purple Drank, Bourbon Blasters, and Renal Failure. And you can't forget about teams like Bald Spots and NoNames sitting at 2-2, hungry for a chance to move up in the standings and make a name for themselves. And it's not over for What the Canuck?, Future Ex-Cons and The Un-Ramblers yet, because as LOBO and Renal Failure proved last year you can easily turn a shitty first half of your season around, get hot for the playoffs, and make it to the championship. Multiple Scorgams at 0-4... uh... oh, well you look very pretty in that hat.

We now enter the tricky part of the Fantasy Football year, when most teams start having bye weeks and we see just how managers adjust to not having their usual whole starting cast available, especially if injuries have hit their lineups already. We'll have our Week 5 preview vs. The Un-Ramblers later this week. Until then, stay thirsty my friends, and lay off the Purple Drank.

Renal Failure is the defending 2010 HBFFL champion, the defending 2010 FTWL champion, and The People's Champion. Renal Failure is also an original member of the HBFFL and the band Survivor, but quit the band in disgust when they wouldn't go with his "Eye of the Mongoose" song idea.

How I Beat Tom Brady...Twice In One Week

by nonamedufus


Your humble fantasy football fan - that's me, nonamedufus - is gonna gloat. Not only did he crush Bald Spots this week. He crushed Bald Spots and Tom Brady. Yeah that's right, Gisele Bundchen's boy toy. How did he do this? With his absolutely astute choice in quarterbacks - Aaron Rodgers.


Rodgers racked up 56 points for our nonames (Clever name, eh?) in the Humor Blogger Fantasy Football League against Brady's 19 points for the Bald Spots. In every quarterback ranking I read in preparation for this piece - okay, two - the professional prognosticators give the edge to Brady. Well, nannie, nannie boo-boo. As Connie Francis used to say: "Who's sorry now?"


Loyalties were divided in the dufus household when I told Mrs D I was playing against Brady in both my fantasy leagues, the HBFFL and the FTWL. (I have no idea what that acronym stands for. I think maybe it's Find The Wiener League in homage to Bret Favre.) She loves Tom Brady. She says it's something to do with how well he wears his uniform. Says she loves his tight end...and she's not talking about Rob Gronkowski.


Guys, did you know "Bundchen" was Spanish for tight end?


Any way, over in our sister league I had just replaced Matt Schaub with Joe Flacco at QB on my team godufus (Clever name, eh?). Those two ranking sites I spoke of earlier list the two 11th and 12th QBs in terms of performance, but prior to this weekend Flacco was leading Schaub in fantasy points. After the weekend Flacco's 5 points wasn't as good as Schaub's 10 and not, for that matter, Brady's 19. But I narrowly beat Multiple Scorgasms with a little help from Arizona's Beanie Wells' 36 points. Wells had been a questionable starter too. All right Wells!


And there you have it. So after week four dufus' nonames are 2-2-0 and godufus is 1-2-1. It's a slow start. But slow and steady is more gratifying when it comes to sex...and football. I could go all the way...um, in my fantasy leagues.


This happens to me a lot.


This is nonamedufus telling it like it is.


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

I'm all about the modern, yo

I interrupt this week's regularly scheduled Tuesday Morning Quarterback post for a rebuttal of sorts to my fellow HBFFL owners who seem to think I live under a rock. To wit, this past week our esteemed leader Chris, who indicated that I used smoke signals to catch live NFL games and then later LOBO, in a comment on one of Renal Failure's posts, indicated that I use a transistor radio.

I would like to dispel those myths by showing you what I actually use to catch live NFL games:

P1010248

It's been around since the last century, the latter part of the century unlike LOBO's suggestion of a transistor radio which was much earlier, and a century after the 19th unlike Chris's suggestion of smoke signals. True, I haven't caught up to the 21st century yet, but one day I will get there...

Mount up
via fixedgear on Flickr


2011 HBFFL Week Four Fantasy MVPs

That could be Aaron Rodgers or nonames' dominating roster throwing an endangered species around. Or it could be Aquaman expressing his clear prejudice for land mammals.

Either way you slice it nonames pwned the MVP's this week.

QB: A. Rodgers 56 points (408 yds, 4 pass TD's, 2 rush TD, +5 300+ yds, 1INT, 1 40+ pass TD, 436 rush yds)
nonames

RB: M. Forte 33 points (205 yds, 1 rush TD's, 1 40+ rush TD, +5 100+ yds 23 rec yds)
What the Canuck?

WR: H. Nicks 27 points (162 yds, 1 rec TD's, +5 100+ yds)
nonames

TE: J. Graham 24 points (132 yds, 1 rec TD's, +5 100+ yds)
nonames

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 4 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds, 40+ yd TD 2 pt; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds, 40+ yd TD 2 pt; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts)