Wave goodbye to your head, wanker!

This week I'm in a trash talking mood. I don't know why, but I am...

...on Facebook are the Phillies fans who are talking trash about my Yankees, so I can't stay silent.

Here, it's Renal Failure, who despite his "League Blast" over on Yahoo Fantasy Football being "Be polite, be efficient, and have a plan to beat every team you meet," is anything but polite...and I quote from his latest post:

...the People demand bloody retribution.

and then this:

But you're not from where Renal Failure's from. Because if you were, you'd be fucking dead.

And finally this, in comparison mild invective but still an invective nonetheless:

You take the People's Champion lightly and we'll eat your sandwich. WE EAT IT UP!

I don't know, but where I'm from, "you'd be fucking dead" doesn't rate as "polite."

He also quotes Ric Flair To be The Man, you've got to be The Man.

In response, I'd just like to remind him of this:



The Man can be beaten.

And this time, there will be no "I'm sorry I love you" when I place the Sweet Chin Music on you, Mr. Renal Failure.

Oh, and a couple of things:

1. You're no Ric Flair yet, by the way. He won 16...let's see, you've won how many titles? None.
2. If you're going to paraphrase that quote: "Be polite, be efficient..." then you need to be The Sniper, not The Scout, as you put in your earlier post.

At least, I know who am I. I'm The Sniper and The Heartbreak Kid, all rolled up into one, and bringing a major can of whoop ass to you, Renal Failure...politely, of course, but still bringing it.




And if you look closely at the :27 second mark. You're already X'd out. I've already waved goodbye to your head, wanker.

Week 8 Preview: Renal Failure vs. The Ramblers

This week's game... kind of a big deal.

The Great One known as Renal Failure (7-0) has had this match-up circled on his calendar for quite some time, for we have unfinished business with the Unfinished Rambler (3-4).

Last season the Ramblers ruined our playoff push with an unlikely victory over us on the back of TE Dallas Clark (the only recorded time in Fantasy Football history a loss has ever been blamed on a tight end). But now Clark is in the employ of the People's Champion, and the People demand bloody retribution.

Grass grows... birds fly... sun shines... and brother, Renal Failure wins games.

We suspect the Unfinished One has been looking forward to this game as well, hoping we'd reach Week 8 still undefeated so that he could be the one to blemish our perfect record. Rambler knows, as the great Ric Flair often said, to be The Man you've got to beat The Man. And Rambler made a trade with The Man, perhaps aware earlier than anyone that the only thing that can beat Renal Failure is Renal Failure.


The Man...

But despite their perfect record, the People's Champion finds themselves the underdog this week, especially with their top two WR's Hines Ward and Chad Ochocinco on bye weeks. Aaron Rodgers, DeSean Jackson, and Steve Slaton (acquired from Renal Failure) have been red hot lately for the Ramblers. And the Ramblers have a slight edge according to the Yahoo! projections, up 92-91 as of Thursday night's lineups.

But you're not from where Renal Failure's from. Because if you were, you'd be fucking dead.

The Wild Card (bitches!) of the HBFFL has only failed to beat their projected score once this season. And Philip Rivers, Maurice Jones-Drew, and Stephen Jackson (acquired from the Ramblers) have favorable bear-throwable match-ups against Oakland, Tennessee, and Detroit respectively. And let us not forget the legendary Tom Brady 60-point game that Renal Failure survived in Week 6.

You take the People's Champion lightly and we'll eat your sandwich. WE EAT IT UP!

We have reason to believe Defending Champion will be pulling for Renal Failure... if only to have the chance next week to be the one who ends the perfect season of the People's Champion. Do you really want to deny him of that opportunity for glory, Rambler? Do you? How callous.

---Renal Failure is stylin' and profilin' and will be riding Space Mountain all night long. Whoooo!

Looking Like the Canuck of Old.

Well, we're at the halfway point of the HBFFL season at I’m starting to look like the Canuck of old.

After an inspiring four wins in a row to start out the season, I’ve followed it up with three straight losses. UGH.

I appear to have done everything right, I ditched most of my Bills – kept Peyton and basically made all the right moves. To no avail. Still, I’m convinced I will not only endure, but prevail.

I remain cautiously optimistic that the luck will change with the arrival of my ‘porn star’ mustache which I will be growing for the month of Movember. Hey, if it works for Kyle Orton than there’s no reason to think it cannot work for me.

Starting immediately I shall stop wilting and start reblooming – at least I think I will.

(Can you feel the confidence?)

See you on the field – oh, and go Bills!

 

CHEERS!

Halfway There... But Not Living on a Prayer

They got more trim dressed like that than you ever will...

Fact: The longest winning streak any HBFFL team had last season was six games (Fantasy Virgin aka. Defending Champion, aka. Tranny McTrannerson).

Fact: With their Week 7 victory over Totes McGoats (now named Prestige Worldwide for some reason) Renal Failure's current streak stands at seven.

We're at the halfway point of the HBFFL season and it's been a rough first half for teams not named Renal Failure. The People's Champion is the sole member of the 700 Club (767 pts this season, almost 110 pts a game) and is a full three games ahead of its closest competitors: the Hard to Kill La Machine, the aforementioned gender-confused Defending Champions, and the quickly wilting What the Canuck? who have lost their last three games.

But that trio has more to worry about than catching the Macho Fantasy Football Wrestler that is your first place Renal Failure. For close behind them is a hungry pack of 3-4 teams: the brawny Totes/Prestige, the left-thumbless Predator Press, the recent scoring juggernaut that is the Googlyeyed Goons (who lost 132-131 this week to the DefChamps after putting up 130pts in Week 6), and the Week 8 Enemy of the People known as the Ramblers (we'll preview that matchup later in the week).

And just behind them at 2-5 are Team Duckgirl and Bald Spots. If Bald Spots can get some momentum off their big win over What the Canuck? and Duckgirl can remember to field a lineup, they can make the playoff race very interesting. Or at least play spoiler to a number of teams. The sweet taste of success is only rivaled by the spicy tang of spite.

But what the People want to know is can the Nobel Laureate of the HBFFL run the table? Can the Duke of New York (we are A-Number-One) go 14-0? Possibly, considering Renal Failure has weathered the bye weeks of top performers Philip Rivers and Maurice Jones-Drew, and there's depth on the bench in case of injuries. But most likely not. Someone's going to have the People's Number eventually. Still, you can never count out Renal Failure. We're not called The Wild Card (bitches!) for nothing.

Just don't talk about playoffs... at least not yet.



---Contrary to what Dennis Green says, Renal Failure is not who you think they are.

Tuesday Morning...er...I mean...Afternoon Quarterback: The Beggars Can't Be Choosers Edition

After suffering back-to-back losses in the two previous weeks, my fantasy team bounced back this week in an unspectacular 85-21 victory over Team Duckgirl, "coached" by Allison from Tales of La La Land.

I say "coached" because Allison didn't field a team against me. She conveniently forgot to play her quarterback, running back AND wide receiver.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/bootbearwdc/ / CC BY 2.0

"Uh, yeah, great job, coach. You're doing a wonderful job this year. I have no idea why I threw my helmet last night."

With Matt Hasselbeck, Mike Sims-Walker and Kevin Smith on byes, she didn't play...er...Tony Romo, D'Angelo Williams or Lavernaues Coles to replace the previous week's lineup, OR bring up the Dallas D and John Carney from the bench. If she had, this would have been a repeat performance of last week's Tuesday Morning QB with me getting spanked again by a girl.

If I had known what she was going to do, I only would have played Aaron Rodgers. He alone would have outscored her entire...ahem...team.

I just hope this isn't a harbinger of what is to come for you, Duck Girl.



"Damn you, ducks, damn you."

2009 HBFFL Week Seven Results and Standings

Results



Standings

2009 HBFFL MVP Week Seven

Quarterbacks monopolized the HBFFL MVP award this week...

1. Carson Palmer 41
Googly Eyed Goons

2. Tom Brady 38
Bald Spots

3. (tie) Phillip Rivers 32
Renal Failure

3. (tie) Drew Brees 32
Defending Champions

3. (tie) Aaron Rodgers
The Ramblers

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt)
___________________________________________________________________

If Donovan McNabb Isn't Dead By Midnight, Don Coriolis Will Cut Off My Left Thumb

Predator Press

[LOBO]

Hah! The joke is on Don.

-I write checks using my left thumb!

Pthbttt.

-Dumbass.

La Machine Not Dead Yet

It seemed like just yesterday that La Machine was 1-3 and left for dead like Steven Seagal in "Hard to Kill".

But then I faced the cross-dressing team formally known at Fantasy Virgin in week five and I remembered phrases that repeat…”I’m the defending champion”…”I’m the defending champion”.



So I took Defending Champion to the blood bank and avenged my loss in last year’s championship.

Then it was time for a matchup with What The Canuck? who was sporting a 4-1 record. Oh four-on-one you say?



Like in that scene the game was a beatdown of epic proportions.



Suddenly here is La Machine, 3-3 after throwing like six bears into outer space.



No, I am not dead yet.

Next up is Lobo’s team Predator Press and you know what that means…


_______________________________________________________________

60 Points by Brady? And he's still alive!

"And dig this you assholes, and dig it good. Barnes has been shot seven times and he ain't dead, does that mean anything to you, huh? Barnes ain't meant to die! The only thing that can kill Barnes is Barnes."

That's one of the lines the People's Champion Renal Failure (6-0) remembers most from the movie Platoon. Why did we quote it here? We'll get back to that later...

Right now at this time, the still undefeated Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler of the HBFFL would like to introduce a new term into the Fantasy Football lexicon: "Throwing a bear into outer space" Defined as: An epic fantasy football performance by a player.

This phrase comes from our post last Saturday about how Renal Failure is a multi-headed hydra of danger and it would take Hercules to slay us. To emphasize this metaphor, I put in a video of Lou Ferrigno as Hercules throwing a bear deep into outer space, as if to say that's the magnitude of effort required to win against us.


My god... it's full of bears...

Well, Tom Brady threw a goddamn family of bears into orbit this week for The Bald Spots, and things looked grim for The People's Champion and their undefeated season. The despair was palpable, as LOBO and UnfinishedPerson could tell you from our chat in the Yahoo! StatTracker chat room (where we determined that watching kitten videos to cheer up is a step in between Depression and Acceptance on the Five Stages of Grief chart). You don't know real Fantasy Football Fear until you watch your 68-point lead fall apart like an epileptic leper right before your eyes in less than a half hour because of one man.

But Renal Failure isn't called The Wild Card for nothing (bitches!).

So how did the Wild Card stare right into the abyss of the worst Fantasy Football nightmare ever (it's like the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, except with more screaming) and come out the other side victorious? Mainly because the rest of the Bald Spots roster who was not named Tom Brady only scored 40 points total, which equals the bear-throwing day that Maurice Jones Drew had all by his lonesome.

So dig this and dig it good. Renal Failure got hit with a 60-point day by Tom Brady and still won. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Renal Failure ain't meant to lose! The only thing that can beat Renal Failure is Renal Failure.

Or maybe Totes McGoats (3-3) can this week. Adrian Peterson is quite the orbital bear chucker, I hear.

---Someone once wrote that Renal Failure is the impossibility of reason...

Spanked...yep, again...by a girl

In my first matchup against a girl this year, as in my first matchup against a girl (or so I thought) last year, I was spanked.

This time, it was at the hands of Paula from Paula's Playground in payback for the mild spanking I gave her last year as I escaped by the skin o' my teeth. This time, it was I who received the mild spanking.

Yes, this Thomas Jones:

He had 22 carries for 210 yards, plus one touchdown, but the Jets still lost. Paula didn't, though, as he gave her 33 points (which he then passed on to me in a manner of speaking)! Add Owen Daniels' 19 points and Larry Fitzgerald's 21 points, and what you have is what you see above.

Me? I ignored Rule No. 326 of fantasy football: After making a trade for big players, play them, at least if they're healthy. Last week I received Steve Slaton, Tim Hightower and Jerricho Cotchery in a trade for Steven Jackson, Derrick Ward and Chad Ochocinco to Renal Failure. Cotch was injured, but I only played Slaton...

...if only I had played Hightower instead of Sammy Morris and Steve Breaston instead of DeSean Jackson (although in this case, I think I erred in good faith), I could have defeated Paula 132-130 and played this song again:



Next up: another girl, Allison from Tales from LaLa Land and Team Duckgirl, in a battle at the bottom of the HBFFL barrel.

2009 HBFFL MVP Week Six

1. Tom Brady 60
Bald Spots

2. Drew Brees 47
Defending Champion

3. Maurice Jones-Drew 40
Renal Failure

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt)

2009 HBFFL Week Six Results and Standings

Results



Standings

Two New Weekly Features

The HBFFL blog has added two new weekly features...

Weekly Results and Standings

Get the results and standings of the previous week every Tuesday. Perfect for the non-league readers interested in wondering how the teams are doing. Great for the league owners who want to talk trash in the comments.

MVP

The three best performers (from starting lineups) will be highlighted every Tuesday.

Links to past weeks of the features are also listed on the sidebar.

Cloudy with a chance of Multi-Headed Unholy Monstrosities of Nature!

The Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler and Noble Laureate of the HBFFL, Renal Failure (5-0), would like to take this opportunity to announce the approval of the biggest trade in league history between ourselves and The Ramblers.

(To my knowledge, there was only one other trade ever in the HBFFL, last season Renal Failure traded Chad Pennington to the GooglyEyed Goons for Ben Rothlisberger, or was it the other way around?)

The Ramblers get RB Steve Slaton, WR Jerricho Cotchery, and RB Tim Hightower.

Renal Failure (Wild Card, bitches!) get RB Stephen Jackson, WR Chad Ochocinco, and RB Derrick Ward.

So for those who are not in our league but want to play along at home, the People's Champion Renal Failure now commands this dangerous multi-headed Hydra of The People:


QB: Philip Rivers, Eli Manning

RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, Pierre Thomas, Stephen Jackson, Derrick Ward

WR: Hines Ward, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, Chad Ochocinco, Jeremy Maclin, Percy Harvin

TE: Dallas Clark, Todd Heap

K: Nate Kaeding, Neil Rackers

DEF: Philadelphia Eagles


The Duke of New York is not only A-Number-One but looks to stay that way.

But legend says Hercules slew the Hydra. Who will rise and be the Hercules of the HBFFL? Will the Bald Spots be the Kevin Sorbo of Week 6? The Steve Reeves? The Lou Ferrigno?


Yeah... he just threw a bear into outer space. You have to go to great lengths to stand a chance against Renal Failure.

Everyone Run! It's the Five-Oh!

As of this date there are two events that are considered the worst things to ever happen to Canada. One is the trade of Wayne Gretzky from the Edmonton Oilers to the Los Angeles Kings in 1988. The other happened this Sunday as What the Canuck?, Canada's representative in the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League, fell in the biggest game of the year to the People's Champion, The Wild Card, the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler, The Duke of New York...

The now 5-0 Renal Failure... the Great One... the Noble Laureate of the HBFFL.

Not that everything went well for the Great One in Week 5. The People's Champ panicked on Sunday morning about the health of the Manning known as Eli and benched him, and he punished us for our sin by putting up more points in less than one half of football (20) than Shaun Hill did in two (14). RB's Maurice Jones-Drew and Steve Slaton had awful days as well (5 and 8 points respectively), which we suspect was additional punishment for doubting the Holy Spirit of the Manning Trinity. Such anemic performances would sink most teams, but that's why those teams aren't The Wild Card (bitches!).

For this truly was the week of the Wide Receiver in the land of the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler. Hines Ward put up 14 solid points and T.J. Houshmandzadeh exploded for more points than letters in his name (19). Add on the 11 points the Eagles Defense gave us and the 7 points Dallas Clark leeched off the Manning known as Peyton, and The Duke of New York (who truly is A-Number-One now) had just enough to pull out a victory.

Of course, it greatly helped the People's cause that most of the Ducky's starting lineup neglected to show up this week. When the kicker outscores both your running backs combined, trouble is abound no matter how awesome the Lord your Peyton is.

So as the winner of the biggest game of the young HBFFL season, the Great One deserves something more for his victory than just undisputed first place. Something from the Ducky. And so we'll be appropriating for ourselves Chris Berman's favorite phrase when talking about Canucklehead's precious Buffalo Bills...

"Nobody circles the wagons like Renal Failure."

Yeah, it's ours now.

---Renal Failure says that just happened.

Tuesday Morning QB: Angering The Football Gods

I knew it was going to be a bad week when my opponent, Lobo of Predator Press sent me an e-mail early Sunday afternoon:

"MAN you are catching a lot of bad breaks today! Did u anger the football gods or something?"

I think I must have.

So how do you know you've angered the football gods?

When Big Ben and Ronnie Brown score more than your entire team!

They had 52 points. My team had 46 points to Lobo's final team total of 119 points.

The leading scorer for my team was...Glenn Coffee with 12 points, followed by SJax with 10. They were the only two in double digits.

David Garrard almost made it to double digits, giving me 9 points. But Randy Moss with his 3 and DeSean Jackson (DJax) and Dustin Keller with a combined 0 points were the real disappointments.

Later Sunday evening, Lobo noted in an e-mail to me and Chris Cameron of Angry Seafood that as penance for my angering the football gods that I "should dance in circles naked around [my] television after sacrificing a live chicken or something."

I responded:

"I usually listen to the games on NFL Sirius because we don't have cable so it will probably be the radio I'll be dancing in front of. I may have to forego the live chicken because we have a cat and I think he might go a little crazy.

"A dead chicken, maybe? He could have fun with that. I'll just have to make sure the feathers are out first and only let him 'nom' on the dead carcass for a few minutes before I take it away from him."

I also should hasten to add I'll forgo the "naked" part too.

Photos to follow next week.

2009 HBFFL MVP Week Five

1.(tie) Roddy White 38
Googlyeyed Goons



1. (tie) Payton Manning 38
What The Canuck?

3. (tie) Tony Romo 34
Team Duckgirl

3. (tie) Donovan McNabb 34
La Machine

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt)

2009 HBFFL Week Five Results and Standings

Results



















Standings

Game of the Year Preview - Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck?

There can be only one 5-0 team!

It's the biggest game of the year. The clash of the undefeateds. Renal Failure vs. What the Canuck? It's like the Super Bowl and the Stanley Cup had sex at the World Series and produced a baby swaddled in a Green Jacket. At stake is utter dominance of the HBFFL. Such an epic event of this magnitude deserves and in-depth preview and careful dissection.

Quarterback
Unluckily Renal Failure's QB machine Philip Rivers is on a bye this week. More unluckily is that backup Eli Manning has a heel injury and his status is unsure for Sunday's game vs. Oakland. In case Eli is scratched ten minutes before kickoff, the People's Champion has Shaun Hill on the bench as an emergency replacement, and his matchup against Atlanta doesn't seem too bad. The Manning on the What the Canuck? side, however, is healthy and has the weak secondary of the Tennessee Titans to throw on. Also Peyton always gets five points up front every week just for being Peyton Manning.

Advantage: Canuck wins the battle of the Mannings.


Running Back
The Ducky has Fred Jackson against Cleveland, who stops no one. The Wild Card (bitches!) of the League brings out the ultimate wild card in Maurice Jones-Drew with a sweet match-up against Seattle. It's close, but Jones-Drew is fourth in points among RB's, Jackson is sixth. But Jackson still has to deal with Marshawn Lynch returning to the Buffalo lineup and taking away touches.

Advantage: Renal rocks the power of the hyphen.


Wide Recievers:
RF starts Hines Ward and either TJ Houshmandzadeh or Jerricho Cotchery (not quite sure yet). Ward produces steady but not outstanding numbers, Housh finally woke up last week and has a good match-up against a weak Jacksonville secondary, and Cotchery's been solid this season but his numbers might decline with Braylon Edwards' addition to the Jets lineup. Canuck has T.O. and NY Steve Smith. T.O. has been bollocks so far this year and an injured Eli Manning may have an adverse effect on the big numbers NY Smith's been putting up lately. But if Eli has a big game, it's safe to say Steve Smith will too.

Advantage: Canuck has too much upside potential to discount.


Flex
Renal Failure's has Steve Slaton, but would play Pierre Thomas if he weren't on a bye. Aside from last week, Slaton has disappointed and Arizona has cracked down on the run this year. What the Canuck? starts the 5th leading scorer among RB's Willis MacGahee in the flex spot, but Cincinnati has also bulked up their run defense this year.

Advantage: Canuck runs bartertown.


Tight End
Canuck loses the 2nd leading scorer among TE's Antonio Gates to a bye week and has to start Marcedes Lewis in his place. Renal Failure starts the #1 TE in the league Dallas Clark, formerly the People's Scourge but now he's the People's Bonus because it's a super bonus when you have a tight end who has more points than all but three wide receivers. And the better Clark does, the more he eats into Peyton Manning's numbers.

Advantage: Renal ends up on top.


Kicker
Neil Rackers (21 points) vs. Rian Lindell (25 points), but Rackers was on a bye last week.

Advantage: Push.


Defense
Canuck is going with the Giants Defence (the socialist Canadian spelling) instead of his beloved Buffalo (betrayer!) against Oakland. Renal has the Eagles Defense(the manly American spelling, not to mention those 31 points in Week 1) coming off a bye week against an awful Tampa Bay team with a rookie quarterback starting.

Advantage: Renal stacks the line.


So it looks like it's a 3-3 tie between Renal Failure and What the Canuck? But the Yahoo! Matchup says The Wild Card is projected to win 93-89 over the Ducky (or at least it did as of Thursday night), but the Yahoo! computers have a favorable outlook on Eli Manning's health. Plus, you're dealing with the Wild Card here. You can't predict what the Wild Card will do. That's why they're the Wild Card.

Oh, and the People's Champion is skipping giving themselves a name this week for beating Team DuckGirl. But if the Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler wins this week against What the Canuck? he'll give himself two.

---Renal Failure has fear? A thousand times no! Well, maybe only 500 times this week.

Smells like a duck?

You know they say? If it smells like a duck and wins like a duck … well, it’s probably a duck.

The Canuck has gone to 4-0, and no one is more surprised than me.

I was so sure I was going to lose this week – but what a week!

WHAT A WEEK!

I’m trying to be humble, you know – pride comes before the fall and all that.

Still it feels good. Really good!

My beloved Bills play the Browns this week – which gives me further hope to be optimistic.

Well, that’s all for now – let me check back in a week when maybe I won’t be smiling so much.

If you’re looking for me, you can always find me HERE, or as of late HERE as well.

I think I’ll save you the haiku.

 

In closing – QUACK!

Same As It Ever Was? Same As It Never Was!

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack...

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile...

And you may find yourself at 4-0, tied atop the standings of the Humor Bloggers Fantasy Football League, in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife...

And you may ask yourself... how the yellow-and-blue-make-green hell did I get there?

Renal Failure knows how it got there: by beating a Team DuckGirl team that was missing Frank Gore and praying Tony Romo could stop sucking. At least Mike Sims-Walker had a banner day for The Looks of the old 2-0 Club. But the Wild Card struck again with Steve Slaton finally waking up from his early season struggles (and we'd be saying the same about T.J. Houshmandzadeh if we had started him this week - 103 yards against Indy).

But even more unexpected than the Wild Card going to 4-0 is What the Canuck? reaching this mark as well. The Ducky of the Club savaged the Defending Champions with the largest blowout of the week. Not even the Brains could have seen his prized Drew Brees putting up less points than the New Orleans Defense in Week Four. Even crazier, What the Canuck? has already matched his win total from last season (Renal Failure didn't get their fourth win last season until Week 9). Could we be seeing the original intended ending to Pretty In Pink here, where Andie ends up with Ducky instead of Blane? Is Canucklehead even the Ducky anymore, seeing how his unyielding devotion (the hallmark of Ducky) to his prized Buffalo Bills players has waned? NY's Steve Smith at WR... the Giants DEF... NE's Gostkowski kicking... how long until a full Billsrectomy is performed on his starting lineup?

FACT: No team last season reached the 4-0 mark so we are in uncharted territory here. No precedent to cite, no trend to follow. We're like Christopher Columbus, except with less scurvy and typhoid.

So we go into Week 5 with the two remaining undefeated teams in the HBFFL slated to play in the Biggest Game of the Season. The game that will determine who is the dominant force in the HBFFL. The Ducky vs. The Wild Card(bitches!). The Representative from the People's Republic of Canada vs. The People's Champion. The Duke of Toronto vs. The Duke of New York. The Buffalo Bills Booster vs. The Macho Fantasy Football Donkey Wrestler.

We'll breakdown this epic contest later this week... mainly because the brain trust here at Renal Failure hasn't thought of a new self-aggrandizing title to give ourselves yet for winning in Week 4.

---Renal Failure says that there is water at the bottom of the ocean.

Not only did it smell like victory, but also it was victory

Unlike my first couple of Tuesday Morning Quarterback posts this year where I was able to post them on Mondays, this one I wasn't able to post until today, thanks to my last player being in last night's Packers-Vikings matchup.

I know, the story of last night's game for many was this guy:


But for me, it was this guy:


Oops, I mean, of course, her (Julie Henderson) boyfriend, Aaron Rodger, my starting quarterback, also known as A-Rod Jr. (A-Rod Sr., better known as just A-Rod, of course plays for the Yanks). However, I thought she'd be a bit easier on the eyes, don't you agree than this?


Or more accurately, the story of last night's game for me was A-Rod Jr. vs. two of his teammates, wide receiver Donald Driver and running back Ryan Grant, who were on the team of my opponent, LaMachine.

Thankfully, A-Rod Jr. himself and the Minnesota defense helped limit both Driver and Grant. Jr. hooked up with tight end Jermichael Finley and wide receiver Jordy Nelson instead, and the Minnesota D held Grant to 50 yards.

A-Rod Jr., meanwhile, shined, going 26 for 37 and 384 yards, plus the two aforementioned touchdowns.

Me? Even with QB David Garrard putting up 42 points himself, going 27 for 37, 323 yards and three touchdowns, I wouldn't have played it any differently.

My opponent, meanwhile, might have wished he did as instead of playing Ray Rice and Knowshon Moreno at running back and flex, he played Chris Johnson and Grant at running back and flex. Rice and Moreno torched up 32 points while Johnson and Grant merely sparked 21 points. That at least would have tied the game between us.

Also if he had played Bernard Berrian, instead of Driver, he would have scored an additional eight points or just enough to beat me, 114-106.

On Facebook, LaMachine owner Chris Cameron told me this morning that I will "rue the day" when I meet him in Week 13. I told him "rue" was a pretty strong word for an early Tuesday morning and that I doubted it, although I said I might look back at the day wistfully.

"Rue"? I don't think so.


photo courtesy of Laura Hudson

Now if I mentioned that in my next game against Chris I'd pull a "boner," I might be ruing that...which mind you, I didn't and I won't. If anything, I predict another tight matchup with myself and the league founder, and that's no joke.

2009 HBFFL MVP Week Four

1. Aaron Rodgers 37
The Ramblers

2. Peyton Manning 34
What The Canuck?

3. Phillip Rivers 30
Renal Failure

(Points are based on the following system: Passing-1 pt/20 yds, 6 pt TD, 5 point 300+ yds; Receiving/Rushing- 1pt/10 yds, 6pt TD, 5 point bonus 100+ yds; 2Pt Conversion 2 pts; Sacks 1pt, Int/Fumb 2 pts; Def/ST TD 6 pts; Safety 2 pts; Block Kick 2 pts; FG 3 pts, 1 point bonus 50+ yds; PAT 1 pt)

2009 HBFFL Week Four Results and Standings

Results



















Standings